Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Resources for Troubled Marriages
The books I mentioned in the sermon are:
1. Ken Sande's Peacemaking for Families (must reading for every family!).
2. Leslie Vernick's How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (long title, good book).
3. Jerry Jenkins' Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It (establishing habits to keep faithful).
I also highly recommend:
Robert Jones' After Adultery (incredibly helpful booklet by a good friend)
The MarriedLife Blogteam has recently run a helpful series on: Finding God in My Difficult Marriage
1. Ken Sande's Peacemaking for Families (must reading for every family!).
2. Leslie Vernick's How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (long title, good book).
3. Jerry Jenkins' Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It (establishing habits to keep faithful).
I also highly recommend:
Robert Jones' After Adultery (incredibly helpful booklet by a good friend)
The MarriedLife Blogteam has recently run a helpful series on: Finding God in My Difficult Marriage
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Matt's Messages - Keep Together
“Keep Together”
October 22, 2006
Matthew 19:1-9
Today is our last day specifically on the topic of marriage in our Home Improvement Series. We’ve talked so far about headship, submission, being married to an unbeliever, and being lovers. Next week, we’re going to talk about one of the world’s bad alternatives to marriage: homosexuality. And parents, you may want to think about whether or not to have your younger kids in the service next week. Just like last week, it will be a G-rated show. I will not be graphic or crude in any way [in fact, I’ll be less explicit than last week because the Bible is], but the subject matter is potentially explosive, so you may want to take some care with the younger ones and at least be ready to have some good family discussion of what is said.
And then in November, we’ll begin talking about children and parenting. So, today is our last day specifically on the subject of marriage.
And today we’re going to tackle the topic of when marriage goes sour. When marriages experience conflict. And when marriages threaten to break up.
Divorce.
To continue our construction metaphor, divorce is the threat of demolition to our home-improvement project. At least, demolition to the marriage part of home improvement.
And I don’t have to say much to convince you that divorce is demolition.
Every family here has been touched by the excruciating pain of divorce in some way or another. We’ve all seen it, some more closely than others. A number of us here have been divorced or are the children of divorce and feel its effects. And our culture, especially our local culture, bears all of the marks of demolition because of the destructive force of divorce.
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees (Jesus’ religious enemies), tried to trip him up on the subject of divorce. Let’s read it. Matthew 19, verse 1.
“When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’”
Now, notice that this was not an honest question. Verse 3 says that they were testing Him.
This question of the legality and permissibility of divorce was one that the rabbis had argued over for a few centuries, and they were trying to get Jesus into trouble by laying a trap for Him.
They are specifically referencing a popular debate over a text in Deuteronomy 24. Some rabbis taught that you could only divorce (and it was mandated to divorce) if there was adultery. Others taught this (v.3) that you could divorce for any and every reason including the wife burning the toast!
But Jesus, as usual, doesn’t fall for the trap and cuts His own unique path through the minefield. He takes them back to a more fundamental text: Genesis 2. Look at v.4.
“‘Haven't you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.’”
Jesus takes them back to the original design for marriage–in the garden. And He points out that we were made male and female and because of that, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. That’s the biblical definition of marriage.
And who does that? Who does the marriage? V.6. “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
This is God’s fundamental stance on divorce. He hates it.
He despises divorce. He doesn’t want it. It’s against His revealed will.
He puts couples together in marriage. He doesn’t want them undoing it.
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Now, the Pharisees didn’t like that answer. They still thought that they could trap Him by using the Law of Moses (which was God’s Law, after all) to catch Jesus in a wrong answer. V.7
“‘Why then,’ they asked, ‘did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?’ Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.’”
Now catch what Jesus is doing here.
On the one hand, He reveals that divorce is permissible in God’s eyes in some situations.
God (through Moses) permitted divorce because of human weakness–the hardness of men’s hearts.
And Jesus allows one exception to the general rule here in verse 9. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness [Greek Word: porneia - a wide range of sexual sins], and marries another woman commits adultery.”
So marital unfaithfulness is an exception to the general rule.
And the Apostle Paul makes it clear in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that believing spouses who have been abandoned by unbelieving spouses do not have to consider themselves bound either.
So there are two exceptions to the general rule.
But notice what Jesus is doing! He is saying that, on the one hand, divorce is permissible in God’s eyes in some situations (porneia and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse), but on the other hand, He is establishing the priority of the general rule.
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Anything outside of those two exceptions is adultery and is opposed by God.
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
While divorce is sometimes permissible, [and if you are divorced for one of God’s exceptional reasons, there is no shame for you to feel...and yet...while divorce is sometimes permissible...] God’s fundamental stance towards it is hate.
Malachi 2:16, “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel.”
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
What God has joined together, let couples KEEP TOGETHER.
Now, I’d like to give three principles that I think are biblical counsel for couples to keep them together.
If I had time, I’d love to talk about how to follow Christ after being divorced because I know that a number of us here are in that boat.
And many of you are doing that very well and living out a God-centered lifestyle in your particular situation.
I’m hopeful that some of what I’ll have to say in a month or so about singleness will apply directly to you.
But today, I’d like to try to help our married couples keep together. And if you are soon to be married or would like to be married, I think this would be good counsel for you to store away, as well.
Because Jesus was adamant: “What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
#1. KEEP YOUR PROMISES.
At our wedding, my Dad told us that marriage is simple (not easy, but simple). There are only two keys to a good marriage, he said: marry the right person and keep your promises.
Keep your promises.
If you are married, do you remember what you said at the altar? “Before God and these witnesses?”
Here’s what I said on June 18, 1994:
I, Matthew Charles,
give myself to you, Heather Joy,
to be your heart’s companion,
your helper and partner,
your support and your safe place.
By the power of our Lord Jesus Christ
I will not break this vow
whether we are in sickness or in health,
poverty or wealth,
sorrow or joy.
I give you my love.
Those were my promises and they entailed a bunch of others.
And if God put us together, then I need to keep us together by keeping my promises.
It’s about commitment. What I’ve noticed about couples these days is that they are not committed to their promises from the beginning and to the end.
They don’t seem to realize that marriage is a lifelong thing. There seems to be “escape clauses” built into their understanding of marriage.
But marriage is supposed to be “for better, for worse, and for keeps.”
Genesis 2:24. “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
Marriage is supposed to be a permanent bond built on solemn promises–a covenant brought together by God.
I’ve said it a number of times this Fall already. That’s what you build your marriage upon–commitment...not feelings.
When conflict comes (and conflict is inevitable!), you stay married because you are married! You are in covenant with that person.
Here’s one practical way to do this: never use the D-Word.
Don’t joke about it.
Don’t throw it in there sometimes to get a reaction.
Don’t use it when you’re fighting.
Banish it from your relational dictionary for you and your spouse.
Never use the D-Word.
Your kids (if you have any) will thank you for it.
Keep your promises.
That includes being faithful to your spouse, right?
What we saw last week in Proverbs 5 about being satisfied with your spouse alone. Eyes for her, eyes for him alone.
Adultery devastates marriages. Don’t allow yourself to go down that path even a little bit.
If you are tempted, then read Proverbs chapter 5 three times a day every day for the next month. And do what it says.
Be faithful. Keep your promises. I know that it’s harder than it sounds, but it is possible, and it’s what you need.
Keep your promises.
God put you together. It’s not just you and her. It’s not just you and him. What God has joined together you keep together.
Keep your promises.
#2. KEEP SHORT ACCOUNTS.
This means to be peacemakers in your home.
It means to work through conflict and make sure you get it worked through.
Ken Sande in his excellent book, Peacemaking for Families says in chapter 1, “Marriage Means Conflict.”
You are going to have conflict. It’s inevitable. You are two imperfect sinners joined together in covenant relationship! You’re going to have trouble.
The question is what are you going to do with that conflict?
Conflict is an opportunity for God to work in your marriage.
And for you to work it out.
Now some people fall into the ditch on one hand of what Ken Sande calls “Peace-Faking” that is running away or trying to escape from conflict. Raise your hand if that’s your normal way of handling things.
And the ditch on the other side is what Ken Sande calls “Peace-Breaking” which is attacking and trying to win the argument at all costs. Raise your hand if you that’s your normal way of handling things.
In the middle is peacemaking–the process of working out your differences in God’s grace. And it involves a lot of longsufferingness and forgiveness.
Keeping short accounts.
Two weeks ago I told you about a fight that my wife and I had where she had ended up being submissive.
A number of you asked for more information about that fight. I’m guessing that you didn’t know that Heather and I don’t always agree.
We were actually arguing about training wheels.
I was for, she was against. And we were both pretty dead-set in our opinions about it. At one point, the “discussion” came to tears.
But there are two things about our “fights” that you need to know.
First is that we are (point #1) committed to our covenant. So any disagreement takes place within our marriage and doesn’t threaten to undo it.
Sometimes to cool down we have to leave the room. Once I actually left our apartment. In my socks! There wasn’t anywhere for me to go.
But we know that we are both committed to our marriage no matter what. We are in covenant. And so we are free to disagree within a safe place.
And the second thing you need to know about our “fights” is that we resolve them. Every one of them.
We take Ephesians 4:26-27 very seriously. It says, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Lots of couples let the devil get a foothold in their marriages by letting little conflicts go unresolved and adding up to big conflicts.
Paul says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Keep short accounts.
Be quick to forgive.
Be diligent to confront.
Be fast to overlook.
Bear with one another.
We take this phrase literally. “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
We don’t go to bed with unreconciled conflict.
Now, sometimes, we have to agree to disagree and go to sleep–on the issue. Agree to disagree on the issue we are disagreeing about.
But not on the relationship. We don’t got to bed angry.
And sometimes we have heavy-eyelids the next day because it took some time to work it out.
But we do. And I expect our marriage to last until we die or Jesus returns.
Keep short accounts.
Now, I know that that’s easier said than done. Especially when one of the spouses isn’t willing to work on it.
And you can’t do their side for them. You can’t.
But you can take responsibility for your side. And you can look out for their best interests.
Remember Philippians 2 that we quoted last week. “Look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”
What I see today is couples that are more concerned about their “rights” than about their spouse’s best interests.
What would happen if every husband laid aside his own agenda and looked out first of all for his wife’s interests? Even if they were fighting.
What would happen if every wife laid aside her own personal agenda and looked out first all for her husband’s interests? Even if he seemed to be against her.
The best book I’ve ever read on conflict-ridden lopsided marriages is by Leslie Vernick, and the title says it all How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.
David Powlison calls that a “Unilateral Love Offensive.”
You can love your spouse and do what’s best for them even if they don’t return the favor.
That’s got to be part of your commitment.
To keep short accounts.
Heather and I worked our conflict out. And when she was submissive and said that we could do it my way, I proposed a compromise where we try it her way for a little while but we keep the option of adding training wheels alive.
We worked it out.
Keep short accounts.
If you are having trouble working it out. Let me give you a piece of advice.
Get help early on.
Get help now.
Too many couples (most of them!) wait until its almost too late to seek out help.
Remember that sermon I gave 6 months ago from Proverbs 15:22? “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Humble yourself and get help.
Let me say something provocative: All marriages need outside help.
I’m not saying professionally.
But we are sinful people who need each other. That’s why we have the Body of Christ.
That’s why we offer Link Groups. That’s why we need fellowship with each other.
Not everything requires a pastor or a counselor.
But we all need each other. All marriages need outside help.
Especially when you’re stuck. Don’t try to go it alone. Seek out someone you trust to talk it out.
Call a Christian friend with a marriage you respect.
Give me a call. I’m here for your marriages.
Call another one of our elders. They’d be glad to help you.
Keep short accounts, and when you can’t, get help without delay.
Because God has put you together. Your job is to keep together.
And the third way to do that: #3. KEEP YOUR EYES ON JESUS.
Be Gospel-Centered in your marriage.
Keep your eyes on Jesus.
If you are looking to your spouse to satisfy your deepest desires, you will be so disappointed. But if you are looking to Jesus for your heart’s satisfaction, you will not be disappointed in the slightest.
Jesus Christ died and was raised for your sins.
He died and was raised for the sins you have committed against your spouse.
He died and was raised for the sins you have received from your spouse.
And there is grace to cover them all at the Cross.
Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Remember what Holly said last week about the Real Love Triangle?
Jesus at the top and you and your spouse on either side.
If you both move towards Jesus, you will move towards one another.
And the worst case scenario would be if your spouse decided to no longer move towards Jesus. But where does that leave you?
Closer to Jesus anyway. And that’s what really matters, isn’t it?
Keep you eyes on Jesus.
If that means that you need to repent of something, then do it.
If you need to repent of your selfishness in your marriage, then do it.
If you need to repent of unfaithfulness in your marriage, then do it.
If you need to repent of peace-faking or peace-breaking in your marriage, then do it.
If you need to repent of treating your covenant lightly, then do it.
If you need to repent of unforgiveness and lingering bitterness, then do it.
Turn from those sins and turn to Christ.
He will forgive you and give you grace to be selfless, to be faithful, to be peacemaking, to be covenant-keeping, to be forgiveness and keep short accounts.
Keep your eyes on Jesus. And you will keep together.
October 22, 2006
Matthew 19:1-9
Today is our last day specifically on the topic of marriage in our Home Improvement Series. We’ve talked so far about headship, submission, being married to an unbeliever, and being lovers. Next week, we’re going to talk about one of the world’s bad alternatives to marriage: homosexuality. And parents, you may want to think about whether or not to have your younger kids in the service next week. Just like last week, it will be a G-rated show. I will not be graphic or crude in any way [in fact, I’ll be less explicit than last week because the Bible is], but the subject matter is potentially explosive, so you may want to take some care with the younger ones and at least be ready to have some good family discussion of what is said.
And then in November, we’ll begin talking about children and parenting. So, today is our last day specifically on the subject of marriage.
And today we’re going to tackle the topic of when marriage goes sour. When marriages experience conflict. And when marriages threaten to break up.
Divorce.
To continue our construction metaphor, divorce is the threat of demolition to our home-improvement project. At least, demolition to the marriage part of home improvement.
And I don’t have to say much to convince you that divorce is demolition.
Every family here has been touched by the excruciating pain of divorce in some way or another. We’ve all seen it, some more closely than others. A number of us here have been divorced or are the children of divorce and feel its effects. And our culture, especially our local culture, bears all of the marks of demolition because of the destructive force of divorce.
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees (Jesus’ religious enemies), tried to trip him up on the subject of divorce. Let’s read it. Matthew 19, verse 1.
“When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?’”
Now, notice that this was not an honest question. Verse 3 says that they were testing Him.
This question of the legality and permissibility of divorce was one that the rabbis had argued over for a few centuries, and they were trying to get Jesus into trouble by laying a trap for Him.
They are specifically referencing a popular debate over a text in Deuteronomy 24. Some rabbis taught that you could only divorce (and it was mandated to divorce) if there was adultery. Others taught this (v.3) that you could divorce for any and every reason including the wife burning the toast!
But Jesus, as usual, doesn’t fall for the trap and cuts His own unique path through the minefield. He takes them back to a more fundamental text: Genesis 2. Look at v.4.
“‘Haven't you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.’”
Jesus takes them back to the original design for marriage–in the garden. And He points out that we were made male and female and because of that, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. That’s the biblical definition of marriage.
And who does that? Who does the marriage? V.6. “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
This is God’s fundamental stance on divorce. He hates it.
He despises divorce. He doesn’t want it. It’s against His revealed will.
He puts couples together in marriage. He doesn’t want them undoing it.
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Now, the Pharisees didn’t like that answer. They still thought that they could trap Him by using the Law of Moses (which was God’s Law, after all) to catch Jesus in a wrong answer. V.7
“‘Why then,’ they asked, ‘did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?’ Jesus replied, ‘Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.’”
Now catch what Jesus is doing here.
On the one hand, He reveals that divorce is permissible in God’s eyes in some situations.
God (through Moses) permitted divorce because of human weakness–the hardness of men’s hearts.
And Jesus allows one exception to the general rule here in verse 9. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness [Greek Word: porneia - a wide range of sexual sins], and marries another woman commits adultery.”
So marital unfaithfulness is an exception to the general rule.
And the Apostle Paul makes it clear in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that believing spouses who have been abandoned by unbelieving spouses do not have to consider themselves bound either.
So there are two exceptions to the general rule.
But notice what Jesus is doing! He is saying that, on the one hand, divorce is permissible in God’s eyes in some situations (porneia and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse), but on the other hand, He is establishing the priority of the general rule.
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Anything outside of those two exceptions is adultery and is opposed by God.
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
While divorce is sometimes permissible, [and if you are divorced for one of God’s exceptional reasons, there is no shame for you to feel...and yet...while divorce is sometimes permissible...] God’s fundamental stance towards it is hate.
Malachi 2:16, “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel.”
“What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
What God has joined together, let couples KEEP TOGETHER.
Now, I’d like to give three principles that I think are biblical counsel for couples to keep them together.
If I had time, I’d love to talk about how to follow Christ after being divorced because I know that a number of us here are in that boat.
And many of you are doing that very well and living out a God-centered lifestyle in your particular situation.
I’m hopeful that some of what I’ll have to say in a month or so about singleness will apply directly to you.
But today, I’d like to try to help our married couples keep together. And if you are soon to be married or would like to be married, I think this would be good counsel for you to store away, as well.
Because Jesus was adamant: “What God has joined together, let man not separate.”
#1. KEEP YOUR PROMISES.
At our wedding, my Dad told us that marriage is simple (not easy, but simple). There are only two keys to a good marriage, he said: marry the right person and keep your promises.
Keep your promises.
If you are married, do you remember what you said at the altar? “Before God and these witnesses?”
Here’s what I said on June 18, 1994:
I, Matthew Charles,
give myself to you, Heather Joy,
to be your heart’s companion,
your helper and partner,
your support and your safe place.
By the power of our Lord Jesus Christ
I will not break this vow
whether we are in sickness or in health,
poverty or wealth,
sorrow or joy.
I give you my love.
Those were my promises and they entailed a bunch of others.
And if God put us together, then I need to keep us together by keeping my promises.
It’s about commitment. What I’ve noticed about couples these days is that they are not committed to their promises from the beginning and to the end.
They don’t seem to realize that marriage is a lifelong thing. There seems to be “escape clauses” built into their understanding of marriage.
But marriage is supposed to be “for better, for worse, and for keeps.”
Genesis 2:24. “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
Marriage is supposed to be a permanent bond built on solemn promises–a covenant brought together by God.
I’ve said it a number of times this Fall already. That’s what you build your marriage upon–commitment...not feelings.
When conflict comes (and conflict is inevitable!), you stay married because you are married! You are in covenant with that person.
Here’s one practical way to do this: never use the D-Word.
Don’t joke about it.
Don’t throw it in there sometimes to get a reaction.
Don’t use it when you’re fighting.
Banish it from your relational dictionary for you and your spouse.
Never use the D-Word.
Your kids (if you have any) will thank you for it.
Keep your promises.
That includes being faithful to your spouse, right?
What we saw last week in Proverbs 5 about being satisfied with your spouse alone. Eyes for her, eyes for him alone.
Adultery devastates marriages. Don’t allow yourself to go down that path even a little bit.
If you are tempted, then read Proverbs chapter 5 three times a day every day for the next month. And do what it says.
Be faithful. Keep your promises. I know that it’s harder than it sounds, but it is possible, and it’s what you need.
Keep your promises.
God put you together. It’s not just you and her. It’s not just you and him. What God has joined together you keep together.
Keep your promises.
#2. KEEP SHORT ACCOUNTS.
This means to be peacemakers in your home.
It means to work through conflict and make sure you get it worked through.
Ken Sande in his excellent book, Peacemaking for Families says in chapter 1, “Marriage Means Conflict.”
You are going to have conflict. It’s inevitable. You are two imperfect sinners joined together in covenant relationship! You’re going to have trouble.
The question is what are you going to do with that conflict?
Conflict is an opportunity for God to work in your marriage.
And for you to work it out.
Now some people fall into the ditch on one hand of what Ken Sande calls “Peace-Faking” that is running away or trying to escape from conflict. Raise your hand if that’s your normal way of handling things.
And the ditch on the other side is what Ken Sande calls “Peace-Breaking” which is attacking and trying to win the argument at all costs. Raise your hand if you that’s your normal way of handling things.
In the middle is peacemaking–the process of working out your differences in God’s grace. And it involves a lot of longsufferingness and forgiveness.
Keeping short accounts.
Two weeks ago I told you about a fight that my wife and I had where she had ended up being submissive.
A number of you asked for more information about that fight. I’m guessing that you didn’t know that Heather and I don’t always agree.
We were actually arguing about training wheels.
I was for, she was against. And we were both pretty dead-set in our opinions about it. At one point, the “discussion” came to tears.
But there are two things about our “fights” that you need to know.
First is that we are (point #1) committed to our covenant. So any disagreement takes place within our marriage and doesn’t threaten to undo it.
Sometimes to cool down we have to leave the room. Once I actually left our apartment. In my socks! There wasn’t anywhere for me to go.
But we know that we are both committed to our marriage no matter what. We are in covenant. And so we are free to disagree within a safe place.
And the second thing you need to know about our “fights” is that we resolve them. Every one of them.
We take Ephesians 4:26-27 very seriously. It says, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Lots of couples let the devil get a foothold in their marriages by letting little conflicts go unresolved and adding up to big conflicts.
Paul says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Keep short accounts.
Be quick to forgive.
Be diligent to confront.
Be fast to overlook.
Bear with one another.
We take this phrase literally. “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
We don’t go to bed with unreconciled conflict.
Now, sometimes, we have to agree to disagree and go to sleep–on the issue. Agree to disagree on the issue we are disagreeing about.
But not on the relationship. We don’t got to bed angry.
And sometimes we have heavy-eyelids the next day because it took some time to work it out.
But we do. And I expect our marriage to last until we die or Jesus returns.
Keep short accounts.
Now, I know that that’s easier said than done. Especially when one of the spouses isn’t willing to work on it.
And you can’t do their side for them. You can’t.
But you can take responsibility for your side. And you can look out for their best interests.
Remember Philippians 2 that we quoted last week. “Look not only to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”
What I see today is couples that are more concerned about their “rights” than about their spouse’s best interests.
What would happen if every husband laid aside his own agenda and looked out first of all for his wife’s interests? Even if they were fighting.
What would happen if every wife laid aside her own personal agenda and looked out first all for her husband’s interests? Even if he seemed to be against her.
The best book I’ve ever read on conflict-ridden lopsided marriages is by Leslie Vernick, and the title says it all How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.
David Powlison calls that a “Unilateral Love Offensive.”
You can love your spouse and do what’s best for them even if they don’t return the favor.
That’s got to be part of your commitment.
To keep short accounts.
Heather and I worked our conflict out. And when she was submissive and said that we could do it my way, I proposed a compromise where we try it her way for a little while but we keep the option of adding training wheels alive.
We worked it out.
Keep short accounts.
If you are having trouble working it out. Let me give you a piece of advice.
Get help early on.
Get help now.
Too many couples (most of them!) wait until its almost too late to seek out help.
Remember that sermon I gave 6 months ago from Proverbs 15:22? “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”
Humble yourself and get help.
Let me say something provocative: All marriages need outside help.
I’m not saying professionally.
But we are sinful people who need each other. That’s why we have the Body of Christ.
That’s why we offer Link Groups. That’s why we need fellowship with each other.
Not everything requires a pastor or a counselor.
But we all need each other. All marriages need outside help.
Especially when you’re stuck. Don’t try to go it alone. Seek out someone you trust to talk it out.
Call a Christian friend with a marriage you respect.
Give me a call. I’m here for your marriages.
Call another one of our elders. They’d be glad to help you.
Keep short accounts, and when you can’t, get help without delay.
Because God has put you together. Your job is to keep together.
And the third way to do that: #3. KEEP YOUR EYES ON JESUS.
Be Gospel-Centered in your marriage.
Keep your eyes on Jesus.
If you are looking to your spouse to satisfy your deepest desires, you will be so disappointed. But if you are looking to Jesus for your heart’s satisfaction, you will not be disappointed in the slightest.
Jesus Christ died and was raised for your sins.
He died and was raised for the sins you have committed against your spouse.
He died and was raised for the sins you have received from your spouse.
And there is grace to cover them all at the Cross.
Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Remember what Holly said last week about the Real Love Triangle?
Jesus at the top and you and your spouse on either side.
If you both move towards Jesus, you will move towards one another.
And the worst case scenario would be if your spouse decided to no longer move towards Jesus. But where does that leave you?
Closer to Jesus anyway. And that’s what really matters, isn’t it?
Keep you eyes on Jesus.
If that means that you need to repent of something, then do it.
If you need to repent of your selfishness in your marriage, then do it.
If you need to repent of unfaithfulness in your marriage, then do it.
If you need to repent of peace-faking or peace-breaking in your marriage, then do it.
If you need to repent of treating your covenant lightly, then do it.
If you need to repent of unforgiveness and lingering bitterness, then do it.
Turn from those sins and turn to Christ.
He will forgive you and give you grace to be selfless, to be faithful, to be peacemaking, to be covenant-keeping, to be forgiveness and keep short accounts.
Keep your eyes on Jesus. And you will keep together.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Audio Biographies
John Piper's biographies of heroes of Christian history are now available in audio. Listen to one each day and be informed and inspired.
[HT: JT]
[HT: JT]
Sunday, October 15, 2006
More Romance Resources for Married Lovers
The best is C.J. Mahaney's book Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God and the teaching series Song of Joy that provided the basis for it. [To catch C.J. teaching on this material at the Desiring God National Conference, listen here or watch here.]
Family Life Website Marriage Channel
Here is a good article from them with romantic ideas.
Sign-Up to Receive Emails with Romantic Ideas for Your Marriage: Simply Romantic: Tips to Romancing Your Husband/Wife
Married Life Blog (from Covenant Life Church):
Recently they ran a series on Romantical Mondays with lots of good ideas.
To study the Song of Songs itself, I recommend the very readable commentary by Tom Gledhill in the Bible Speaks Today series: The Message of the Song of Songs.
Family Life Website Marriage Channel
Here is a good article from them with romantic ideas.
Sign-Up to Receive Emails with Romantic Ideas for Your Marriage: Simply Romantic: Tips to Romancing Your Husband/Wife
Married Life Blog (from Covenant Life Church):
Recently they ran a series on Romantical Mondays with lots of good ideas.
To study the Song of Songs itself, I recommend the very readable commentary by Tom Gledhill in the Bible Speaks Today series: The Message of the Song of Songs.
Matt's Messages - Lovers
“Lovers”
October 15, 2006
The Song of Songs
A few weeks ago, I realized that I had prepared a schedule of messages for this Home Improvement series that focused on some of the hardest parts of marriage: headship, submission, being married to an unbeliever, next week–conflict/divorce, and so on.
And I realized that I hadn’t planned in a least one message on some of the most delightful stuff about marriage. “Sugar and spice and everything nice,” if you know what I mean!
So I decided then and there that I had to fit in a message on romance and sex in the context of marriage. Being “Lovers.”
And there is no better book to study about that topic than the Song of Songs.
Now, that might surprise you. You might not have known that there was a book in the Bible–God’s Holy Word–that celebrates the gift of intoxicating marital intimacy.
Most people assume that the Bible has one thing and one thing only to say about romance and (especially) sex. What is it?
“Don’t do it.” “Just say no.” “Sex is bad.” “Don’t have sex.”
But that’s not true at all!
The Bible does warn against sex outside of marriage as being wrong and harmful and dangerous and displeasing to God.
But inside of the covenant of marriage, the Bible has an altogether different message on romance and sex:
Do it! Romance each other. Have sex. Lots of sex. Make love. Enjoy each other.
Be lovers.
And there is an entire book of the Bible–not just a verse here or there, not just a chapter, but a whole book of God’s Holy Word–dedicated to celebrating marital love and sizzling intimacy!
Now, that still doesn’t make it easy to preach about!
This is a difficult subject to preach on for a variety of reasons.
The first is that it is, in many ways, a private subject.
Our culture doesn’t understand that and tries to use romance and sexuality to sell things–everything, anything–on TV!
But it is proper for us to pull a veil over this information at times.
Robin, Andrew, and Peter are right here on the front row. This is a G-rated show! And I wouldn’t want to awaken anything that is inappropriate at their level.
It would be different if this was a marriage retreat, and we could be a little more public and vivid in what we taught about. But it is a private subject.
And for some of us, it is also a painful subject.
You’ve been hurt. Romance and sex have been used against you in some abusive way. Or you’ve been disappointed. Or you’ve been disappointing and made some mistakes in this area. So any teaching on it might awaken old wounds.
Believe me, as I prepared this material, I was aware that as glorious as it is, it could bring up some memories that are unpleasant.
And it’s also hard to preach on because it is a complex subject.
For one thing, we’re all at different places. Some of us are married and this message is mostly directed at married couples or soon to be. Some of us are unmarried and too young to get married. And the Song of Songs warns us three times(!) to not awaken love before its time. So, we have to be careful to not arouse those powerful feelings even as we study this important subject. Some of us are divorced. Some are widowed. Some of us have been married a long time. Others just a short time. And all of us probably need to hear something different. So it makes it complex.
And the subject is also complex just because the Song of Songs is complex. Some scholars say that after the Book of Revelation, Solomon’s Song of Songs is the hardest book of the Bible to interpret. And after studying it this week, I think I have to agree! I wished a bunch of times that I hadn’t announced last week that we’d be dipping into it today! I don’t understand all of it and don’t pretend to.
So, it’s a complex subject.
It’s a potentially painful subject.
And, to some degree, it should be a private subject.
On the other hand, here it is in your Bible!
An entire book in God’s Holy Word dedicated to lovers!
Just because of that, it’s an important subject. Too important to pass over.
Too important for our families. Too important for Home Improvement.
So, let’s pray and see what we can say today about the Song of Songs.
[prayer]
Now, this morning, we’re not going to read the whole thing. And I’m not going to try to explain everything that is in the Song of Songs. Someday, Lord-willing, I will teach the entire thing to you. But I’m not ready for that just yet.
But I do want to dip into it. I want to show you some of the book’s features and explain some of it’s message to you. And I want to apply it to our marriages.
I want to start by saying that I have one goal for this message for our church family.
And that is that our married couples romance each other.
LOVERS, ROMANCE EACH OTHER.
Husbands, romance your wives.
Wives, romance your husbands.
There is an entire book of the Bible to give you inspiration for that purpose!!!
Lovers, Romance Each Other.
And by that, I mean the whole list of things that fall under romance.
From warm companionship and simple signs of affection all the way to making sweet love together. Enjoying the gift of marital intimacy.
Bible believing, Bible applying Christians should be known as the happiest, most sexually fulfilled people on the planet.
You wouldn’t know it from TV, but the best sex and romance is to be found in a Christian marriage!
Lovers, Romance Each Other.
I have 5 adverbs to add to that goal.
#1. EXCLUSIVELY.
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively.
Look at Song of Songs chapter 2, verse 16. This is the voice of the beloved bride.
“My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies.”
Now the lilies in the rest of the book allude to her sweet femininity, so that probably is a reference to some kind of sexual activity.
But what I want to point out is the possession and the exclusivity of this relationship.
“My lover is mine and I am his.”
In other words, “We belong to each other and to no one else.”
Proverbs 5 gives this command: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. [He’s talking about whom to romance.] Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? [If your wife is a spring or a fountain or a cistern, should she be giving away her water to others. No.] Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer–may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated [intoxicated] by her love” (15-19).
That’s a command. Sex is for marriage. Exclusively.
And there is power in that.
Because I know that all of her romance is directed at me, and because she knows that all of my romance is directed at her, there is a power in our romance, a force that binds us together and gives a potency that transforms the quality of our love.
Husbands, do you have eyes for only one woman?
Wives, do you have eyes for only one man?
Can you say? [Do you say?!] “My lover is mine and I am his...”
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively.
If there is someone else, even if it’s just mental, just a wandering “what if,” they need to go so that you are exclusive with your spouse.
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively.
Lovers, Romance Each Other (#2) CREATIVELY.
We have before us a literary creation meant to celebrate the gift of intimacy.
And there are here some carefully chosen words that are meant to arouse romance and sensuality between these two people.
It’s very creative. And I think that one of the purposes of that is to inspire us to do the same. To be creative in our romance.
C.J. Mahaney has written an excellent little book on this that I have drawn heavily from. It’s called Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know, and I heartily recommend it. Every wife should buy it for their husband. Every husband should buy it and apply it for their wife.
And he has this phrase in there. “Gentlemen, before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind.”
Mahaney says, “Based on my counseling experience as a pastor, I’d say most wives are well aware of this dynamic. They know that carefully composed words have great power to promote romance and marital intimacy.”
And he suggests that we learn how to creatively romance our spouses by reading and thinking about the Song of Songs.
Let’s take an excerpt and think about that. Turn over to chapter 4, verses 1-7.
This is the lover groom speaking to his beloved.
“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”
Now, some of that takes some getting used to, doesn’t it?
We don’t talk like that. And I’m not suggesting that guys should just quote this word for word to their wives!
You might get in trouble for telling her that her hair looks like a flock of goats or that her neck is like the tower of David.
But those are metaphors, and in Ancient Near Eastern poetry, this was heavy stuff!
He’s not so much telling her exactly what she looks like, but what she makes him feel like when he looks at her.
That flock of goats hair was like a living, moving, vibrant kind of hair seen from the distance. This was the closest they came to special-effects. It’s like on one of those commercials for hair products when the hair on the model just dances around on her shoulders–like it’s beautiful and alive. That’s what he’s saying.
And the tower of David probably moved this man with its elegance and stateliness. He was saying that she provoked profound admiration in him when he looked at her neck. She was stately and awe-inspiring to him.
You see how creative he was?
Saying her breasts were like fawns was not saying that they had four legs and a white tail. It was how those fawn made him feel. They were soft and warm and tender and made him feel tender, too. She changes him when he looks at her.
Do you get the picture?
She is creative, too, with how she talks to him. Switch over to chapter 5, verse 10.
“My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”
She’s saying that to other people about him!
Do you sense the creativity here?
Can you do something like that with your spouse?
Words. Carefully chosen words have a real power to them.
Use them.
Of course, creativity isn’t just about words. C.J. has a whole chapter on what guys can do to creatively romance their wives.
#1. Date night. I highly recommend it, too.
#2. Phone calls.
#3. Notes, cards, letters.
#4. Gifts.
#5. Music.
#6. Gettaways.
#7. Surprises. Read the book to see what he says about all of those.
I made one of those creative phone calls to my wife this week and it was very silly and very romantic. I actually left a voice-mail, and she’s saved it! It was a keeper.
Now, you might be saying, “Well, that works for you, you’re kind of goofy, and Heather likes that kind of thing. But that’s isn’t me.”
I say, Lovers Romance Each Other Creatively, and do it your way. Find out what pleases your spouse and get to work!
Because romance is work. It comes naturally a bit, but then over time it takes work to keep going.
But that work is worth it in the payoff.
Don’t believe the movies that show the romance as working at the beginning and then dying away because it’s just not there anymore and there’s nothing you can do about it.
No!
Work at it. Find out what she likes and do it. Find out what pleases him and do it.
Romance is for all married couples.
It won’t look the same for all married couples, but it is for all Christian marriages.
Don’t let it die out.
Don’t become like that guy who said, “I told you I loved you when I married you and if anything changes, I’ll let you know.” That’s a sinful, unbiblical thing to do.
Tell her. And tell her creatively.
This creativity builds anticipation. And it moves towards consummation.
#3. Lovers, Romance Each Other PASSIONATELY.
Look, for example, at chapter 4, verse 9. This is the man speaking.
“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!”
That’s passion.
Listen to what she says in chapter 5, verse 8.
“O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you–if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.”
Oh yeah. These are people who don’t just feel half-hearted about each other, but give their all to each other.
They are passionate.
Are you passionate in your romance for your spouse?
Passion comes and goes. It ebbs and flows. You can’t build a marriage on feelings. You have to build it on covenant, on promises-kept, on commitment.
But on that covenant, on those promises, on the foundation of that commitment, you can fan the flames of passion.
And you can be more in love with your spouse after many years of marriage than newlyweds could ever dream of.
That’s definitely true for my beloved and me. We are more in passionate love now than we were when we were young.
What can you do to build passion?
One thing is to talk about it. Again, creatively use words and build your passion.
Say, “I love you” to your spouse every day.
And not, “Love ya.” like it was a handshake, but “I love you” and look in their eyes.
That’ll make a big difference, just that little thing.
It isn’t a foundation, but to continue our construction metaphors, passionate romance is like a super-glue or a cement that goes into the building process and acts as a bonding agent that ties the whole thing together.
And guys, we’ve to take the lead here. We’ve got to take the initiative in passionate romance.
Like everything else in marriage, our headship is at work here.
But ladies, in the Song of Songs, the woman takes the initiative, too. Carolyn Mahaney points out in her book that the woman is attractive, available, and anticipating.
At several points in the book, she is inviting him into an intimate encounter.
Ladies, your husbands are open to this!
#4. Lovers, Romance Each Other INTIMATELY.
Notice as you read the Song of Songs how sensual it really is.
And I mean all five senses: Sight, Sound, Taste, Touch, Smell.
It’s about intimacy. Full intimacy.
Notice all of the words about kissing.
Chapter 1, verse 2.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth–for your love is more delightful than wine.”
Kissing from the get-go!
Chapter 4, verse 11. The guy says, “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.”
C.J. points out that this means that this kind of kissing did not originate with the French!
Lovers, Romance Each Other Intimately.
There is also caressing and intimate touching. I won’t go into that for time and G rating reasons, but you can see it in places like chapter 2, verse 6 and chapter 7, verse 8.
And it does all work towards consummation. Look at chapter 4, verse 16.
“Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. [The garden is her.] Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. [Then he says,] I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.”
That’s consummation.
And the point is that marital intimacy is a gift. It is to be celebrated (there is an entire book that celebrates it in the Bible!), and it is to be enjoyed, experienced, relished in the context of the marriage covenant.
So, lovers romance each other intimately. I expect there to be application of this teaching! You don’t have to tell the rest of us about it, though!
And fifth and last, Lovers, Romance Each Other LOVINGLY.
And by that, I mean serve each other in love.
This gift to be enjoyed is really a gift to give, not to take.
As much as we enjoy it, romance and sexuality are meant to be something that we give away out of love for our spouse.
Philippians chapter 2 is true for our bedrooms as much as any other room:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death– even death on a cross!”
Jesus selflessly died to save sinful people like us.
And if we turn and put our trust in Him we will be saved.
How much more should we turn away from our selfishness to show love and deference for our spouse?
Don’t demand.
Don’t withhold.
Serve.
In romance, seek the best for your lover.
And you will bring much glory to God.
If you are married, are you romancing your spouse lovingly or self-servingly?
I’ll tell you this. If you are not romancing your spouse, you are serving yourself.
You’re being sinfully lazy.
God is calling you to set your agenda aside and purse romance with your spouse.
Did I mention that there is an entire book of the Bible devoted to inspiring you to do that?
Husbands, Romance Your Wives.
Wives, Romance Your Husbands.
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively, Creatively, Passionately, Intimately, and Lovingly.
Chapter 5, verse 1, the last little bit spoken by the Friends of the Lovers, which is probably also the voice of God:
“Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.”
October 15, 2006
The Song of Songs
A few weeks ago, I realized that I had prepared a schedule of messages for this Home Improvement series that focused on some of the hardest parts of marriage: headship, submission, being married to an unbeliever, next week–conflict/divorce, and so on.
And I realized that I hadn’t planned in a least one message on some of the most delightful stuff about marriage. “Sugar and spice and everything nice,” if you know what I mean!
So I decided then and there that I had to fit in a message on romance and sex in the context of marriage. Being “Lovers.”
And there is no better book to study about that topic than the Song of Songs.
Now, that might surprise you. You might not have known that there was a book in the Bible–God’s Holy Word–that celebrates the gift of intoxicating marital intimacy.
Most people assume that the Bible has one thing and one thing only to say about romance and (especially) sex. What is it?
“Don’t do it.” “Just say no.” “Sex is bad.” “Don’t have sex.”
But that’s not true at all!
The Bible does warn against sex outside of marriage as being wrong and harmful and dangerous and displeasing to God.
But inside of the covenant of marriage, the Bible has an altogether different message on romance and sex:
Do it! Romance each other. Have sex. Lots of sex. Make love. Enjoy each other.
Be lovers.
And there is an entire book of the Bible–not just a verse here or there, not just a chapter, but a whole book of God’s Holy Word–dedicated to celebrating marital love and sizzling intimacy!
Now, that still doesn’t make it easy to preach about!
This is a difficult subject to preach on for a variety of reasons.
The first is that it is, in many ways, a private subject.
Our culture doesn’t understand that and tries to use romance and sexuality to sell things–everything, anything–on TV!
But it is proper for us to pull a veil over this information at times.
Robin, Andrew, and Peter are right here on the front row. This is a G-rated show! And I wouldn’t want to awaken anything that is inappropriate at their level.
It would be different if this was a marriage retreat, and we could be a little more public and vivid in what we taught about. But it is a private subject.
And for some of us, it is also a painful subject.
You’ve been hurt. Romance and sex have been used against you in some abusive way. Or you’ve been disappointed. Or you’ve been disappointing and made some mistakes in this area. So any teaching on it might awaken old wounds.
Believe me, as I prepared this material, I was aware that as glorious as it is, it could bring up some memories that are unpleasant.
And it’s also hard to preach on because it is a complex subject.
For one thing, we’re all at different places. Some of us are married and this message is mostly directed at married couples or soon to be. Some of us are unmarried and too young to get married. And the Song of Songs warns us three times(!) to not awaken love before its time. So, we have to be careful to not arouse those powerful feelings even as we study this important subject. Some of us are divorced. Some are widowed. Some of us have been married a long time. Others just a short time. And all of us probably need to hear something different. So it makes it complex.
And the subject is also complex just because the Song of Songs is complex. Some scholars say that after the Book of Revelation, Solomon’s Song of Songs is the hardest book of the Bible to interpret. And after studying it this week, I think I have to agree! I wished a bunch of times that I hadn’t announced last week that we’d be dipping into it today! I don’t understand all of it and don’t pretend to.
So, it’s a complex subject.
It’s a potentially painful subject.
And, to some degree, it should be a private subject.
On the other hand, here it is in your Bible!
An entire book in God’s Holy Word dedicated to lovers!
Just because of that, it’s an important subject. Too important to pass over.
Too important for our families. Too important for Home Improvement.
So, let’s pray and see what we can say today about the Song of Songs.
[prayer]
Now, this morning, we’re not going to read the whole thing. And I’m not going to try to explain everything that is in the Song of Songs. Someday, Lord-willing, I will teach the entire thing to you. But I’m not ready for that just yet.
But I do want to dip into it. I want to show you some of the book’s features and explain some of it’s message to you. And I want to apply it to our marriages.
I want to start by saying that I have one goal for this message for our church family.
And that is that our married couples romance each other.
LOVERS, ROMANCE EACH OTHER.
Husbands, romance your wives.
Wives, romance your husbands.
There is an entire book of the Bible to give you inspiration for that purpose!!!
Lovers, Romance Each Other.
And by that, I mean the whole list of things that fall under romance.
From warm companionship and simple signs of affection all the way to making sweet love together. Enjoying the gift of marital intimacy.
Bible believing, Bible applying Christians should be known as the happiest, most sexually fulfilled people on the planet.
You wouldn’t know it from TV, but the best sex and romance is to be found in a Christian marriage!
Lovers, Romance Each Other.
I have 5 adverbs to add to that goal.
#1. EXCLUSIVELY.
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively.
Look at Song of Songs chapter 2, verse 16. This is the voice of the beloved bride.
“My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies.”
Now the lilies in the rest of the book allude to her sweet femininity, so that probably is a reference to some kind of sexual activity.
But what I want to point out is the possession and the exclusivity of this relationship.
“My lover is mine and I am his.”
In other words, “We belong to each other and to no one else.”
Proverbs 5 gives this command: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. [He’s talking about whom to romance.] Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? [If your wife is a spring or a fountain or a cistern, should she be giving away her water to others. No.] Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer–may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated [intoxicated] by her love” (15-19).
That’s a command. Sex is for marriage. Exclusively.
And there is power in that.
Because I know that all of her romance is directed at me, and because she knows that all of my romance is directed at her, there is a power in our romance, a force that binds us together and gives a potency that transforms the quality of our love.
Husbands, do you have eyes for only one woman?
Wives, do you have eyes for only one man?
Can you say? [Do you say?!] “My lover is mine and I am his...”
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively.
If there is someone else, even if it’s just mental, just a wandering “what if,” they need to go so that you are exclusive with your spouse.
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively.
Lovers, Romance Each Other (#2) CREATIVELY.
We have before us a literary creation meant to celebrate the gift of intimacy.
And there are here some carefully chosen words that are meant to arouse romance and sensuality between these two people.
It’s very creative. And I think that one of the purposes of that is to inspire us to do the same. To be creative in our romance.
C.J. Mahaney has written an excellent little book on this that I have drawn heavily from. It’s called Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs to Know, and I heartily recommend it. Every wife should buy it for their husband. Every husband should buy it and apply it for their wife.
And he has this phrase in there. “Gentlemen, before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind.”
Mahaney says, “Based on my counseling experience as a pastor, I’d say most wives are well aware of this dynamic. They know that carefully composed words have great power to promote romance and marital intimacy.”
And he suggests that we learn how to creatively romance our spouses by reading and thinking about the Song of Songs.
Let’s take an excerpt and think about that. Turn over to chapter 4, verses 1-7.
This is the lover groom speaking to his beloved.
“How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”
Now, some of that takes some getting used to, doesn’t it?
We don’t talk like that. And I’m not suggesting that guys should just quote this word for word to their wives!
You might get in trouble for telling her that her hair looks like a flock of goats or that her neck is like the tower of David.
But those are metaphors, and in Ancient Near Eastern poetry, this was heavy stuff!
He’s not so much telling her exactly what she looks like, but what she makes him feel like when he looks at her.
That flock of goats hair was like a living, moving, vibrant kind of hair seen from the distance. This was the closest they came to special-effects. It’s like on one of those commercials for hair products when the hair on the model just dances around on her shoulders–like it’s beautiful and alive. That’s what he’s saying.
And the tower of David probably moved this man with its elegance and stateliness. He was saying that she provoked profound admiration in him when he looked at her neck. She was stately and awe-inspiring to him.
You see how creative he was?
Saying her breasts were like fawns was not saying that they had four legs and a white tail. It was how those fawn made him feel. They were soft and warm and tender and made him feel tender, too. She changes him when he looks at her.
Do you get the picture?
She is creative, too, with how she talks to him. Switch over to chapter 5, verse 10.
“My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”
She’s saying that to other people about him!
Do you sense the creativity here?
Can you do something like that with your spouse?
Words. Carefully chosen words have a real power to them.
Use them.
Of course, creativity isn’t just about words. C.J. has a whole chapter on what guys can do to creatively romance their wives.
#1. Date night. I highly recommend it, too.
#2. Phone calls.
#3. Notes, cards, letters.
#4. Gifts.
#5. Music.
#6. Gettaways.
#7. Surprises. Read the book to see what he says about all of those.
I made one of those creative phone calls to my wife this week and it was very silly and very romantic. I actually left a voice-mail, and she’s saved it! It was a keeper.
Now, you might be saying, “Well, that works for you, you’re kind of goofy, and Heather likes that kind of thing. But that’s isn’t me.”
I say, Lovers Romance Each Other Creatively, and do it your way. Find out what pleases your spouse and get to work!
Because romance is work. It comes naturally a bit, but then over time it takes work to keep going.
But that work is worth it in the payoff.
Don’t believe the movies that show the romance as working at the beginning and then dying away because it’s just not there anymore and there’s nothing you can do about it.
No!
Work at it. Find out what she likes and do it. Find out what pleases him and do it.
Romance is for all married couples.
It won’t look the same for all married couples, but it is for all Christian marriages.
Don’t let it die out.
Don’t become like that guy who said, “I told you I loved you when I married you and if anything changes, I’ll let you know.” That’s a sinful, unbiblical thing to do.
Tell her. And tell her creatively.
This creativity builds anticipation. And it moves towards consummation.
#3. Lovers, Romance Each Other PASSIONATELY.
Look, for example, at chapter 4, verse 9. This is the man speaking.
“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!”
That’s passion.
Listen to what she says in chapter 5, verse 8.
“O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you–if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.”
Oh yeah. These are people who don’t just feel half-hearted about each other, but give their all to each other.
They are passionate.
Are you passionate in your romance for your spouse?
Passion comes and goes. It ebbs and flows. You can’t build a marriage on feelings. You have to build it on covenant, on promises-kept, on commitment.
But on that covenant, on those promises, on the foundation of that commitment, you can fan the flames of passion.
And you can be more in love with your spouse after many years of marriage than newlyweds could ever dream of.
That’s definitely true for my beloved and me. We are more in passionate love now than we were when we were young.
What can you do to build passion?
One thing is to talk about it. Again, creatively use words and build your passion.
Say, “I love you” to your spouse every day.
And not, “Love ya.” like it was a handshake, but “I love you” and look in their eyes.
That’ll make a big difference, just that little thing.
It isn’t a foundation, but to continue our construction metaphors, passionate romance is like a super-glue or a cement that goes into the building process and acts as a bonding agent that ties the whole thing together.
And guys, we’ve to take the lead here. We’ve got to take the initiative in passionate romance.
Like everything else in marriage, our headship is at work here.
But ladies, in the Song of Songs, the woman takes the initiative, too. Carolyn Mahaney points out in her book that the woman is attractive, available, and anticipating.
At several points in the book, she is inviting him into an intimate encounter.
Ladies, your husbands are open to this!
#4. Lovers, Romance Each Other INTIMATELY.
Notice as you read the Song of Songs how sensual it really is.
And I mean all five senses: Sight, Sound, Taste, Touch, Smell.
It’s about intimacy. Full intimacy.
Notice all of the words about kissing.
Chapter 1, verse 2.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth–for your love is more delightful than wine.”
Kissing from the get-go!
Chapter 4, verse 11. The guy says, “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.”
C.J. points out that this means that this kind of kissing did not originate with the French!
Lovers, Romance Each Other Intimately.
There is also caressing and intimate touching. I won’t go into that for time and G rating reasons, but you can see it in places like chapter 2, verse 6 and chapter 7, verse 8.
And it does all work towards consummation. Look at chapter 4, verse 16.
“Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. [The garden is her.] Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. [Then he says,] I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.”
That’s consummation.
And the point is that marital intimacy is a gift. It is to be celebrated (there is an entire book that celebrates it in the Bible!), and it is to be enjoyed, experienced, relished in the context of the marriage covenant.
So, lovers romance each other intimately. I expect there to be application of this teaching! You don’t have to tell the rest of us about it, though!
And fifth and last, Lovers, Romance Each Other LOVINGLY.
And by that, I mean serve each other in love.
This gift to be enjoyed is really a gift to give, not to take.
As much as we enjoy it, romance and sexuality are meant to be something that we give away out of love for our spouse.
Philippians chapter 2 is true for our bedrooms as much as any other room:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death– even death on a cross!”
Jesus selflessly died to save sinful people like us.
And if we turn and put our trust in Him we will be saved.
How much more should we turn away from our selfishness to show love and deference for our spouse?
Don’t demand.
Don’t withhold.
Serve.
In romance, seek the best for your lover.
And you will bring much glory to God.
If you are married, are you romancing your spouse lovingly or self-servingly?
I’ll tell you this. If you are not romancing your spouse, you are serving yourself.
You’re being sinfully lazy.
God is calling you to set your agenda aside and purse romance with your spouse.
Did I mention that there is an entire book of the Bible devoted to inspiring you to do that?
Husbands, Romance Your Wives.
Wives, Romance Your Husbands.
Lovers, Romance Each Other Exclusively, Creatively, Passionately, Intimately, and Lovingly.
Chapter 5, verse 1, the last little bit spoken by the Friends of the Lovers, which is probably also the voice of God:
“Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.”
For this message (and for improvements in my marriage's romance), I am heavily indebted (even down to key phrases) to C.J. Mahaney's book and the teaching series that provided the basis for it. Thank you, Mr. Mahaney!
To catch C.J. teaching on this material at the Desiring God National Conference, listen here or watch here.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Spiritually Single Resource
I haven't read it yet, but I'm told that Lee & Leslie Strobel's Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch is a good resource for those who are married to unbelievers.
Now that's a Mitchell!
My Dad is famous for being able to sleep in just about any position. Here's Isaac doing it while sitting on the couch.
