Juggling Fire

This last weekend, I got to take my boys to Miracle Mountain Ranch for their Father/Son Retreat (retreat pictures here and here).

I had the privilege of being the speaker on the subject of "A Man and His Mouth." On Saturday night, when I talked about the "Fiery Tongue" from James 3, I broke out my old juggling torches. This slow-motion video taken by Donnie Rosie makes it look cool. Thanks, Donnie, for not posting one with all of my drops!

From the Father Son retreat.
Posted by Miracle Mountain Ranch Fan Page on Sunday, May 31, 2015

Photo by Donnie Rosie of MMR

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Stephen Altrogge on "Killing People on Facebook"

Stephen Altrogge posted today on "Are You Killing People on Facebook?"

My words have the power to impart life to someone or to kill them. Death and life are in the power of the tongue and the status update and the photo and the text message. Every word I speak or type carries enormous life-giving or life-stealing potential. Words aren’t neutral. Status updates aren’t innocent. The words we speak and type and text today reverberate into eternity.

I don't think that Christians think enough about this. Stephen says:

Imagine how careful I would be if every time I spoke a small burst of flame came out of my mouth! I would speak ever so carefully. But often I’m not careful about the words I post. I don’t see them as explosive. Consuming. Flaming. 

Stephen closes with some great questions to ask ourselves before we push "POST," including this question that touches on gossip:

Will what I’m saying have a damaging effect on someone else’s reputation in a way that is unfair to them and doesn’t give them the chance to represent themselves?

 Read the whole thing.

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[Matt's Messages] "The Tongue of the Wise"

The Tongue of the Wise

1. The Fearsome Tongue
2. Sweet Words
3. Grumbling (Part One)
4. Grumbling (Part Two)
5. Praising Mom
6. Bad Words
7. Good Words
8. A Lying Tongue
9. Fighting Words

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[Matt's Messages] "Fighting Words"

"Fighting Words”
The Tongue of the Wise - Spring 2013
June 9, 2013 :: Proverbs 15:18

This is our last official message in our Spring series on “The Tongue of the Wise.” Next week will probably tie back into this series in some ways, but this is the last full message in the “Tongue of the Wise” sermon series.

And we’ve been learning with Proverbs 12:18 that “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

And I want to thank those of you who told me over the last week that this series of messages has been helpful to you this Spring.

I know that it’s been helpful to me to think about what I am doing with me and my big mouth.

Am I speaking reckless words? Complaining, Cursing, Grumbling, Coarse Joking, Lying, Foolish Talking–reckless words that pierce like a sword.

Or am I exhibiting the tongue of the wise? Sweet words, pleasant words, praising the praiseworthy, commending the commendable, good words that heal, not hurt.

And of course, we learned that these words (reckless or wise) don’t come from nowhere–our words overflow from our hearts.

So the question is not just what am I saying, what words are on my tongue?  The question is what is the state of my heart?  Am I going in a Godward direction or the wrong direction?

And today’s message will be along the same lines.

Today, I want to talk about “Fighting Words.”

Words that tear down and break-up.

Words filled with unrighteous anger that fuel sinful conflict.

Fighting words.

Remember this guy?

Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam were always squaring off in the old Looney Tunes cartoons. And Bugs knew how to get Sam really really really mad.

Of course, that wasn’t hard to do.

Sam was born mad, I think.

But anything that Bugs could do to bother Sam, he would until Sam would have smoke pouring out of his ears, and he’d say, “Them’s fightin’ words!”

And then the fun would begin.

And we would laugh and laugh because...it was not us.

But fighting words in real life are not so fun.

Sinful anger expressed in words that tear down brings destruction in its wake.

Here’s our proverbs for today.  Proverbs 15:18.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

Class of 2013, let me give you some counsel for surviving and thriving in the world that you just graduated into this weekend.

Mikalah, Michelle, JP, Lucas, Emigh, let me give you some counsel:

Keep your cool.
Don’t let yourself get carried away with anger.
Be a patient person who calms a quarrel.

Don’t be a hot-tempered individual.

Proverbs 15:18, “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

Solomon put those words in his book nearly 3000 years ago but they are just as true today as they were then. And just as applicable.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

Most proverbs make use of Hebrew poetry with parallelism between the A-Line and the B-Line. This one is no different.

The A-Line of Proverbs 15:18 is our first point today.

A. A HOT-TEMPERED MAN STIRS UP DISSENSION.

A “hot-tempered man” is a man who allows his anger to flare up and get the best of him.

He is someone who is characterized by being a “hot-head.”

We say its someone with a hair-trigger or a short fuse, right?

The proverbs have a lot to say about the hot-tempered man.

This verse, Proverbs 15:18 says “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

Proverbs 19:19 says, “A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.” Lesson?  Don’t bail this guy out of trouble. He’s got to learn from the consequences or he’ll just flame off again.

Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.”

Lesson?  Be careful making friends with someone who can’t control their temper or soon, you will be fighting as well. Either them or others.

Proverbs 29:22 says, “An angry man stirs up dissension [sounds like our verse], and a hot-tempered one commits many sins.”

I saved this message for last because I think that losing our tempers and then speaking is one of the most harmful and sinful kinds of talking.

Fighting words.

Using words to fight with others.

What kinds of words might fall into that category?

Shouting would, of course.  Yelling in someone’s face in anger.

“I hate you!” Is one of the most destructive things a person can say.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.”

But sinful shouting is not the only form of fighting words.

How about name-calling and insults?

How many of us like to be called a bad name?

Nobody likes that. Not if they’re being human.

Nobody likes to be insulted.

Sometimes the name isn’t so bad, it’s just the heart behind the name calling. It’s a hear that says, “I’m so mad at you that I won’t be happy unless you have this word smeared on you.”

I see a lot of name-calling among my several friends on Facebook.

And it seems like people think it’s okay to do that if you’re calling someone a name when they aren’t listening.  (Of course, the NSA might be listening, but that’s a whole other story.)

Sarcastically insulting others when they are not present is not a form of love. It is being a hot-tempered man.

A hot-tempered man posts things online that they will soon regret.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.”

Speaking of sarcasm. I read a great post recently that calls sinful sarcasm, “lighthearted hatred.”  I think that’s really helpful.

There is a difference between loving playfulness and sinful sarcasm.

It’s okay to rag on your friend and trash-talk during a game of basketball in your driveway.  It’s okay to poke fun at one another in love.

Tom Hampton has told me many times that if he’s making fun of me, then I know that everything’s okay between the two of us.  Because he likes to pull the chain on his friends.  So, I know I’m good with Tom if he’s giving me a hard time.  And vice-versa.

That’s fun and that’s cool.

But when our sarcastic mouths begin to tear others down for our own enjoyment out of a heart that is angry or mad or frustrated, then we’ve crossed that yellow line in the middle of the road and are going to have start dodging traffic coming in the other direction.

I’ve told you this story before, but it’s been a while.  When I was in High School, there was another student in my class that I’ll call “Jack.”

And Jack liked to pick on me.

I was something of a geek, and he was a star football player.

And during my senior year, I began to pick back at him and deliver some sarcastic words right back into his face.

I’m not saying they made any sense.

One time in government class, I said “Jack, duuuuh, football.”

And another time I said, “Jack, get a life, and if you can’t find one, I’ve got extra lives hanging my closet that I can loan you.”

Yeah, I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, either.

But I know what kind of a heart it came from. A hateful one. A hard one. A hot-tempered one.

I was stirring up dissension.

Why do I remember this so vividly?  Jack died a year or two after high school.  He wasn’t much older than our graduates today and he was in the military and had an accident and died.

And whenever I think of him, I think of the hot-tempered things I said to him and about him and how I never showed him the love of Christ.

And now it’s too late.

How I wish I had known and obeyed 1 Peter 3:9, where Peter tells us believers, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

But “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.”

The Lord Jesus had very strong words to those who used strong words against others in hate.

In the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew chapter 5, our Lord said, "You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca, 'is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

Yes, you heard me right.

Jesus said that anyone who says “You fool!” will be in danger of the fire of hell.

How many of us have said, “That man is an idiot” in the last twelve months.

The Greek word Jesus uses for “fool” is “moros” from which we get our name “Moron.”

How many of us have said that the folks in Harrisburg or Washington are morons?

Or our bosses?  Or our employees?  Or that person that we are locked into conflict with?

Jesus says that that is murdering them in your heart and murdering them with your words.

It’s the same heart of anger that left unchecked will kill.

And it’s libel for judgment.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.”

How about “accusing words?” Let’s add accusations to the list of fighting words.

An accusation is a charge brought against someone. Sometimes, they are necessary.

In fact, sometimes angry words are righteous words. Our Lord Jesus got angry righteously and expressed His righteous anger, His righteous indignation.

But we have to admit that most of our anger is not righteous anger.

It’s selfish anger.

And sinful accusations are those made before we know all of the facts, those that are made in spite of the facts, those accusations that are made out of anger and not out of love.

And Satan loves accusations.

He loves to bring a charge against people, especially Christians.

Accusations are Satan’s second language. His native language is lying but the Bible also calls him the Accuser of the Brothers.

And he loves to put them together and make them lying accusations.

So, whenever we find ourselves making wild and unloving and out of control accusations, we are speaking the snake’s tongue.

“Reckless words pierce like a sword.”

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.”

“Them’s fighting words!”

Sometimes, our fighting words are just simply unfair criticisms.

Criticism can be very good if it’s loving. But unfair criticism just tears people down.

Are you stuck in your relationships right now because they are filled with criticism?

Proverbs 18:6&7 says, “A fool's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating. A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.”

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.”

The great thing about Proverbs is that the answer to the problem is almost always right there in the same verse. In this verse, it’s in the B-line.

B. A PATIENT MAN CALMS A QUARREL.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

The King James says it like this, “A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.”

The New Living Translation renders verse 18, “A hothead starts fights; a cool-tempered person tries to stop them.”

Mikalah, Michelle, JP, Lucas, Emigh, let me give you some counsel.

Keep your cool.
Don’t let yourself get carried away with anger.
Be a patient person who calms a quarrel.

Don’t use fighting words.

One of the scariest things about hot-tempered people is that they often don’t realize that they are hot-tempered.

They feel justified. Anger feels justified. Because anger is always about seeing or feeling that something is wrong.  And often there is something wrong but the anger is about the wrong thing or to the wrong degree or aimed at the wrong person.

What’s interesting is that often a patient man doesn’t realize that he is a patient man.

A patient man often realizes how angry they truly are, but they are able to keep it under control and to transform the power of anger into something good.

A patient man says, “No” to insults and name calling and accusations, and sinful sarcasm and unfair criticism, and shouting and every other kind of fighting words.

But they also do more than that. They use words that are not fighting words.

They use soothing words.
They use careful words.
They use cautious words.
They use judicious words.
They use discreet words.
They use measured words.
They use gentle words.

Verse 1 of chapter 15 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath....”

“A patient man calms a quarrel.”

James chapter 1 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

If we find ourselves becoming angry, we need to not give into it, but to repent of it and instead to embrace the opposite. To choose love.

A patient person is not someone who never feels anger.

It’s someone who says NO to anger and yes to love.

Love is patient.

Which of these two things are harder to do and be?

Hot-tempered or patient?

It’s patient, isn’t it? So, which one do you think God is the most interested in helping you to be?

One of the best practical ways to grow in patience is to meditate on how patient God has been with you.

When I think about how patient God has been with me, I just naturally begin to be patient with others.

Not that it’s easy, but it’s easier.

And it’s also helpful to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective.

Try to put yourself in their shoes.

In fact, instead of making an accusation, ask questions to try to figure out why they are doing something that is so maddening to you.

If you are in a close relationship, I recommend not just asking them to explain where they are coming from but repeating back to them what you’ve heard them say and including the emotion that you think they are saying.

Heather and I teach this technique in our pre-marital counseling classes, and it’s made a huge difference in our own marriage.

Heather and I regularly get into fights. We are not the same person, so we see things differently.

I see things my way, and she sees things the right way.  Right, honey?

And as we’ve grown older, we grown in our ability to listen to each other patiently.

Now, it’s grown harder in some ways to be patient with each other.

During Family Bible Week, Heather and I are going to celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary.  She’s a saint. 19 years of putting up with me.

And after 19 years, it’s easier in some ways to get angry because you might think that the other person would have changed more in that 19 years and might agree with you more after 19 years. You’ve been patient for 19 years, so you think that you shouldn’t have to be so patient after 19 years.

Does that make sense?

Now, it’s also easier to be patient because you know that person very well and you’ve learned to be patient with them in just the right way.

But it’s not automatic.

We have to work at listening to each other and making sure that we understand each other, including how the person feels.

Another good technique for calming a quarrel is XYZ statements.

Heather and I teach this one, too, in our pre-marital counseling classes.

XYZ statements are this:

“When you do X, in Y situations, I feel Z.”

Do you see how that is better than saying, “You always do this!”  Or “You never do this.”

Those are accusations and there is very little good that can come from them.

(And just “venting” isn’t good!)

But in an XYZ statement, you are letting the person know how you are feeling but you are not making an accusation, you are helping them to understand your and their own actions better.

Does that make sense?

“When you leave me at a party by myself, I feel abandoned and unloved.”
“When you forget to take out the trash on Wednesdays, I feel forgotten.”
“When you spend more than we agreed upon, I feel insecure and confused.”

Do you see how that could diffuse a quarrel instead of flaming it up?

I’m sure that there are hundreds of practical ways to grow in this.

The point is to do it.

“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

A patient man is not a passive man.

He is active. He is actively calming the quarrel.

It takes guts to be self-controlled and to resolve conflicts instead of making them.

We laugh at Yosemite Sam and his hot-head.

But wouldn’t want to be around him if those guns were real.

And we don’t want to be him either.

We want to be like Jesus who showed us amazing patience when He saved us from our sins.

Paul says to Timothy,  “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners–of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.” (1 Tim 1:15-16)

Jesus did let His temper get the best of Him and explode on us with unrighteous fighting words.

He exhibited awesome, unlimited patience and came into the world to save those of us who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.

And with an example like that, we can become, not hot-tempered, but patient people who calm quarrels in Christ-like love.

***

Messages in this Series:

1. The Fearsome Tongue
2. Sweet Words
3. Grumbling (Part One)
4. Grumbling (Part Two)
5. Praising Mom
6. Bad Words
7. Good Words
8. A Lying Tongue
9. Fighting Words

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Sinful Sarcasm

I'm preparing to preach a message this weekend on words that tear down and fight with others, and I was reminded of this excellent little insightful article by Lindsey Carlson: Battling Sinful Sarcasm:

Sarcasm has always come naturally to me. It is often the way I communicate love to those I feel the most comfortable around. The better I know you, the more I enjoy joking around. Innocent quips are my kind of hug.

If my sarcasm always felt like a loving and innocent hug, there'd be no reason to question my heart's motives. But when my humor feels more like a slap in the face, when people don't "get" my sarcasm, and my jokes leave behind a wake of wounded brothers and sisters, I'm forced to dig a little deeper and face the facts.

I appreciate how she differentiates between loving playfulness and sinful sarcasm. The latter she nails as "lighthearted hatred." Ouch. I needed to hear that.

Lindsey gives 3 great diagnostic questions to know when you've crossed the line and applies the gospel to the problem.

Brothers and sisters, let's not sarcastically banter our way out of relationships with one another. Let's keep humor funny and sin mournful. May we steward our humor by the grace of God and keep our sarcasm from masking unholy heart attitudes.

Amen.  Read the whole thing.

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[Matt's Messages] "A Lying Tongue" Proverbs 26:28

“A Lying Tongue”
The Tongue of the Wise - Spring 2013
June 2, 2013 :: Proverbs 26:28

We’re coming to the end of our current series on the “The Tongue of the Wise.” Just two or maybe three messages left in this Spring series based upon Proverbs 12:18 (our last month’s Hide the Word verse) which says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

“Reckless words pierce like a sword.” We’ve talked about grumbling and complaining. We’ve talked about cussing and cursing and coarse joking.  We’ve talked about how powerful for evil our words can be. The tongue is a fire.

“But the tongue of the wise brings healing.”  We’ve also learned that the tongue can be a mighty power for good and for godliness and for God’s glory. When we speak sweet words, pleasant words, good words, we can bring God much glory and other people much good.

How are you doing at developing your own wise tongue?

Have these messages been helpful to you in your own discipleship?

Have any of us made any changes in the way we speak, in how we use our words because we’ve encountered God’s Word?

Today’s reckless words that pierce like a sword are lies.

Today, I want to talk about “A Lying Tongue.”

That is, someone who lies with their words.

A deceitful tongue. A lying tongue.

Our key verse for today, Proverbs 26:28 says, “A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

The King James says, “A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin.”

The English Standard Version says, “A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

I don’t have to prove to you that lying is bad. Do I?

I think we all know that. We all at least acknowledge that we don’t like to be lied to, right?

And most of us most of the time don’t think that lying is good.

Lying is bad, right?

The 9th commandment says, “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.”

Lying in general is against God’s holy standard.

In fact, God hates it.  Proverbs 6:17 says that “there are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him: (1) haughty eyes, (2) a lying tongue.”

Number two on this list.  The LORD hates a lying tongue.

Lying is not just annoying to Him, it is detestable.

The list goes on. “(3) hands that shed innocent blood, (4) a hear that devises wicked schemes, (5) feet that are quick to rush into evil, and (6) a false witness that pours out lies.”  In list of 7 things the LORD hates, lying makes it twice!

The 7th, by the way, is “a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.”

In list of 7 things the LORD hates, lying makes it on there twice!

And our proverb for today points out the destructive effects of a lying tongue. Proverbs 26:28 again.

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

There are a lot of ways to lie.

Human beings have been very creative over the years in devising new ways to deceive.

For example: exaggeration.  I remember the first week of this series, I asked you to yell out sins of the tongue, and one of you shot back, “Exaggeration.”

Overstating something to impress others. Boasting. Stretching that story so much that it’s not longer a true story, in fact it’s a tall tale, but here you are pretending that it’s God’s own truth.

Fraud is another expression of a lying tongue.  Trying to deceive someone so that you can take advantage of them in some way.

Lying about how good a product is, for example, or what it can do when it’s not so good and can’t do what you say.

My son Peter is trying to sell his old bike.  He was 5 years old when he got it and he’s 10 years old next month.  What if Peter told prospective buyers that it’s only 2 years old and never had a flat tire? That would be lying. That would be fraud.

And #1. “A LYING TONGUE HATES THOSE IT HURTS.” 

Often the truth is hidden in the so called “fine print” but the intention of the big print is to deceive.

Another kind of lying tongue is a making a light promise. That is, making a promise you never intend to keep.

Parents are notorious for this.

We should be careful to not promise things we do not plan to deliver upon.

“Sure, I’ll take you there. Yeah, I’ll buy you that.”  But we actually are hoping that they forget.

That’s a lying tongue.

God hates it, and it hates those it hurts.

Look up at verses 18 and 19 of this chapter. See those?

“Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking!’”

It’s like a archer with flaming broadheads firing into a crowd of people–it’s that destructive to lie to your neighbor, probably telling them something to your advantage, and then when caught trying to get out of it, “I was only joking!”

“Can’t you take a joke?”

“I didn’t really mean that.” “We didn’t shake on that.”  “We didn’t put that in writing.”

“I was just talking. You seriously didn’t believe me, did you?”

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like anyone would be hurt by a little lie, does it?

For example, let’s say you have four kids. A girl and three boys. Just for example.

And you go out to eat at Eat-N-Park, which we all know should be named “Park-N-Eat” because that’s the order you ought to do it in.

And the kids’ menu is available for kids 10 and under.

And let’s just say that your kids are aged 12, 11, 9, and 8 just for an example.

You don’t outright lie and say, “My kids are all under 10.”

But what you if you just say, “I’d like 4 kids’ meals, please.” implying that your kids are all of the applicable ages.

What does that hurt anyone?

It’s a lie though, isn’t it?

And the Bible says, “A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

It’s stealing. The poorly named Eat-N-Park is being cheated out of your dollars.

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

If you loved the people who run and own Eat-N-Park the way that God wants you to, then you wouldn’t try to cheat them out of their money.

I think that a lot of people rationalize their “rational” little lies.

They think that if they can’t identify who it would hurt, then a little lie would be no big deal.

But, “A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

And it breaks down trust.  And it goes against the very character of God.

Who did Jesus say was the Father of Lies?

Satan. The devil.

Jesus said “When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

And when we lie, we are speaking Satan’s native language. It’s music to his ears.

And it’s detestable to God’s ears.

Lies are what Satan used to tempt Adam and Eve.

And bearing false witness is what Satan used in the courtroom to condemn Jesus to death.

A lying tongue killed Jesus.

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

Notice that. A lying tongue hates.

The tongue here stands for the whole person of a liar. A lie is not based in love.

There may be exceptional cases, for example in war-time, when a lie is necessary to save someone or protect someone lovingly.  The Hebrew mid-wives and Rahab at Jericho might be exceptions to the general rule.

But they prove the rule in being so exceptional.

Most of the time we are not in a situation remotely like theirs and the general rule for us is always to tell the truth.

Because a lying tongue is a hating tongue.

And it hurts.

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

There are always victims in our lies.

And God will always bring them justice.

Proverbs 19:5 says, “A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will not go free.”

There are always consequences.

Heather Joy and I were talking about this message this week, and she told me that she used to lie terribly to win in arguments.

In fact, what she did was lie about her dad’s occupation to bring him in as authority on whatever point she was arguing about at the time.

In reality, her Dad worked for a technical school teaching video and working with audio and video equipment.

But according to Heather, he was an accountant if she was making some point about money or a policeman if she was making a point about the law.

She said yesterday that her worst was one time she was arguing with a friend named Neal about what color the sun was. And Heather said that it was white.

And she should know because her dad was an astronaut!

(By the way, she gave me permission to share that story.)

It’s funny.  But I’m sure that after Neal had heard about Heather’s dad being in about 10 different professions, he didn’t trust her anymore. And if he did, he was foolish.

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts...”

Now, follow this. There is more to this proverb and the B line builds on the A line.

Proverbs 26:28, “A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

By Hebrew parallelism, flattery is identified here as a form of lying.

#2. A FLATTERING MOUTH WORKS RUIN.

Flattery is sinful.

Flattery is telling someone else how great they are when they are not great.

Or, by extension, how great their things are when they are not great.

How great their kids are when they are not great.

How great their clothes are when they are not great.

Kent Hughes has famously said that gossip is saying behind someone’s back what you would never say to their face, but that flattery is saying to someone’s face what you would never say behind their backs.

Flattery is a lying tongue.

And we need to be wary of those who words are smooth.

The Hebrew word for “flattering” here is “chalak” and it literally means “smooth.”

Look up at verse 23.

“Like a coating of glaze over earthenware are fervent lips with an evil heart. [A glaze, I think, to hide the imperfections. The lips are moving in lies to hide an evil heart. V.24]

A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit.

[Watch out!]  Though his speech is charming, do not believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly.”

Flattery is smooth talk, meant to get something out of us.

We call it “buttering someone up.”  Flattery is fattening.

Like a pig for the slaughter.

Sometimes, our flattery is just because we want people to like us.

But we’re lying to them to get it!

And sometimes we lie because we want something else.  Peace, money, sex, popularity.

Many politicians (on both sides of the aisle) use flattery to try to win votes.

Flattery is telling someone what you think they want to hear not what they need to hear.

Yesterday, I had a one-on-one counseling session with a good friend. He had a hard decision to make and wanted help in making it.

And I told him some hard things about himself that he needed to hear to make his decision.

And I ended by saying I was sorry that I had to tell him that because it might have hurt, and I didn’t want to hurt him.

And he said, “I didn’t come here to have you tell me what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. I’d have gone somewhere else if I wanted that.”

And that was about the best compliment he could have given me.  I was very honored.

Because “a flattering mouth works ruin.”

That part of the verse parallels “hates those it hurts.”

Flattery hurts people, too.

We might not think so. We might think that flattery is kind of love.

No, affirmation is a kind of love. Commending the commendable is love. Affirming the affirmable is love. Praising true greatness is love.

But flattery is not love. It hates those it hurts. It “works ruin.”

Let me give you an example.

Parents who lie to their children and tell them that they are wonderful when they are surely not being wonderful are flattering their children and setting them up for a fall.

Now, I’m all for encouraging our children.  We need to be on the lookout for every sign of something good and praise it!

Just like we talked about on Mother’s Day. Praising Mom is right when she has done something praiseworthy.

But don’t inflate their egos. Don’t tell them they are great when they are not being great.

That’s how we get a generation of young people who have high “self-esteem” but can’t make their way in the world.  And don’t try hard. And think that everything should be handed to them because they deserve it and they are so wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong. Our children, all of them, are precious gifts of God who should be encouraged at every opportunity.

But not lied to!

Because “a flattering mouth works ruin.”

Now, that ruin could also point to consequences coming upon the one who flatters.

In the near context, verse 27 points out that perpetrators will often get what they have planned for others coming back to them.  V.27

“If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it; if a man rolls a stone, it will roll back on him. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

If you tell your kid that he is the greatest thing and doesn’t need to change or improve or become something new in Christ, then you will get what you have coming for you when they don’t change or improve or become something new in Christ.

Because “a flattering mouth works ruin.”

And that’s not just in parenting.

That’s in business.
That’s in the marketplace.
That’s in marriage.
That’s in dating.
That’s in extended family relationships.
That’s in neighborhoods.

That’s wherever we might be tempted to trim the truth and distort and deceive for our own purposes.

“A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”

So, what do we do about it?

We know by now that’s not enough to just say, “Stop lying! Stop flattering!” And that be the end of the story.

What steps can we take to say “no” to these reckless words?

Let me suggest three practical steps:

- REPENT OF YOUR HATE.

This is in your heart. Turn away from your hate (either active or passive, either aggressive hate or passive hate) of the people you are talking to.

It’s something that you do inside of yourself. Turn. And...

- LOVE THE TRUTH.

Begin to love what is true just for being true.

The biggest reason why God hates a lying tongue is because He is Truth.

Jesus said, “I am the way, THE TRUTH, and the life.”

Loving Jesus means loving the truth, and those who truly love the truth will love Jesus. Then...

- SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE.

Both of those words are important.

We need to speak the truth. We’ve seen that today.

But we aren’t called to speak the truth in brutality. (Got that word from Joe Stowell’s book The Weight of Your Words.)

We aren’t called to try to hurt people with the truth.

In every way we can, we are called to speak the truth in love.

And if we do that, it won’t be hate and it won’t be hurt and it won’t be ruin.

It’ll be blessing.

Now, that might hurt us some.

And we need to be ready to speak the truth in love even if it hurts.

Psalm 15 paints a precious picture of a person who speaks the truth in love. It says

“LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill? [What does a godly person look like?]

He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman, who despises a vile man but honors those who fear the LORD, who keeps his oath even when it hurts, who lends his money without usury and does not accept a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things will never be shaken.”

Speak the truth in love and keep your promises even if it hurts.

Because your life will be unshakable where it counts.

Let’s pray together.

Worship at the Lord’s Table

There was a man who perfectly fulfilled Psalm 15.

He always spoke the truth in love.

And they killed Him for it.

And His death brought us new life.

1 Peter chapter 2, verses 22-25 says:

“[Jesus] ‘committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.’  When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.”

This bread stands for the body of the man who did not have a lying tongue and was not a flatterer. No deceit was found in his mouth.

This cup is the cup standing for his precious blood. Perfect, blameless, righteous. Everything we have not been with our little and large lies.

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might have new tongues, so that we might die to lies and live for truth. By his wounds we have been healed.

As we eat and drink this meal, may we celebrate what Jesus did for us.

And may we pray that Jesus would change our hearts and gives us wise tongues, tongues of healing, tongues of truth.


***

Messages in this Series:

1. The Fearsome Tongue
2. Sweet Words
3. Grumbling (Part One)
4. Grumbling (Part Two)
5. Praising Mom
6. Bad Words
7. Good Words
8. A Lying Tongue

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[Matt's Messages] "Good Words" Proverbs 25:11

“Good Words”
The Tongue of the Wise - Spring 2013
May 26, 2013 :: Proverbs 25:11

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

“Aptly spoken” means the right word spoken at the right time.

Proverbs says that the right word at the right time is like “apples of gold in settings of silver.”

What is that talking about?

The King James Version translated this verse: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

I think it’s supposed to remind us of fine jewelry.

What is more precious than gold and silver?  And this is an apple made of gold, gold fashioned into an apple (or possibly an apricot, this word could mean either one) and laid in a silver setting.

What could be more precious?
What could be more valuable?
What could be more beautiful?
What could be more good?

Good words.

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

The right word spoken at the right time is precious beyond belief.

We’ve all experienced that, haven’t we?

I got an email this week from a friend that include a one-sentence prayer for me.

And that prayer was exactly what I needed to hear that moment for what I was dealing with right then.

That one sentence prayer lifted my head when it was a little down.

That one sentence in a brief email was an apple of gold in a setting of silver.

Proverbs 10:20 says, “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”

Notice the connection between the tongue and the heart.

“The tongue of the righteous is choice silver...” It’s good and valuable and beautiful and precious.

“...but the heart of the wicked is of little value.”  That’s where words come from. They come from the heart.

So good words come from good stored in the heart.

I don’t know about you, but I want to have a golden and silver heart.

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

Now that word might be a rebuke.

Look at verse 12.

“Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear.”

We talked about this verse a month ago.

Not all good words feel good at the time.

Sometimes, we need a good word to hurt us to in a smaller way to help us in a bigger way.

Sometimes, the good word is right-decision being made.

The phrase, “a word aptly spoken” in v.11 could be translated “an answer aptly spoken” meaning that this is not just any word being spoken, but an official word coming down from an authority.

We say, “Having the given a word on that yet?”

The 2011 NIV translates this verse, “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a ruling rightly given.”

And if that’s correct, then this is the right word at the right time making the right decision.  The right call.

Don’t we all love it when that happens?

“I think they made the right call.”

As someone in leadership, it so encouraging when you hear someone say that.

“I think you made the right decision.”

“Good job! That’s an apple of gold in a setting of silver.”

However you translate this verse, I think it’s clear that there are some words that are just golden, just beautiful, just valuable and precious to hear when they are spoken at the right time.

God has given us an amazing gift of these precious words that have a powerful effect for good.

We’ve all seen the opposite. “A word poorly spoken is like trash on the highway.”

“Reckless words pierce like a sword!”  “But the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

Now, I’ve picked out to share with you four sets of words today that are some of the best, most beautiful, “good words” in the entire English language.

When these words are spoken at the right time in the right way, amazing things happen.

It doesn’t always seem like it. They are under-used words and under-appreciated words.

But I think they are apples of gold in settings of silver.

Let me share them with you.

#1. “I’M SORRY.”

See what I mean?

That’s a powerful set of words right there.

But they are not always easy to say.

When I was growing up, there was a television show that I just loved on Tuesday nights. It celebrated life in the 50's in a fictional Milwaukee neighborhood with wacky characters who were always getting into and out of trouble.

Officially, the name of the show was what?

“Happy Days” and the star was Ron Howard who played the main character–Richie Cunningham.

But Happy Days was not what my brother and I called the show.  And Richie Cunningham was not the most important character on the show, as far as we were concerned.

We called the show, “The Fonz.” Tuesday nights would roll around, and Andy and I would say, “The Fonz is on!  The Fonz is on!”  And we’d flip on the TV and enjoy Henry Winkler as Arthur Fonzarelli–The Fonz.

Do you remember the Fonz?  He was the coolest thing alive.  He had a closet full of white t-shirts that he would wear under a very cool, black leather jacket–which is now in the Smithsonian.

The Fonz could do just about anything.  He could get any girl he wanted to go out with him if he just snapped his fingers.  He could break a world record for jumping his motorcycle over barrels. He could turn on a jute-box by bumping it with his elbow–and it would always play the song he wanted!  Nobody could beat the Fonz in a fight.  And he never had a hair out of place!  Do you remember that?  Every time he’d come to the mirror, he’d get out his comb–check the hair–and then go, “Aaaa!”  (With his trade-mark thumbs in the air.)  Never a hair out of place.  Why he owned a comb, I don’t know!

But there was one thing the Fonz could NOT do.  Do you remember that?

There was one thing the Fonz could NOT do.  The Fonz could not apologize.

Every once in a while, Fonzi would mess up and do something wrong.  He would hurt one of his friends, Richie or Pottsie or Ralph Malph or somebody.  And he knew that he should apologize, but he just couldn’t bring himself to make an apology. (Do you remember this?)

He would go to the person and say to the person he had hurt, “Uhhh.  I was wrrrrrrrrr....  I was wrrrrrrr......  What I’m trying to say is I’m sssssssssss....  I’m sssssssssssss....”

The words just wouldn’t come out!  He just couldn’t say, “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry.”

It’s hard to bring ourselves to apologize–to say, “I’m sorry.”

In our personal relationships, apologizing is one of the hardest things to do.

But it’s vital for us to learn how. Proverbs 28:13 says, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

Now, that’s true in our vertical relationship with God, and it’s also true in our horizontal relationship with one another.

“I’m sorry.”

Learn to say that at the right time, and you will have learned some golden words.

Now, I’m not saying to apologize for things that you have not done. Please do not lie.

But in almost every relationship, there is something that we can to say, “I’m sorry” for.  And it does amazing things to a relationship.

“I’m sorry.”

Have you used those words this week?  I think they are hard to say because it involves humbling ourselves. But that’s what we need.  And God honors it!

God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

“I’m sorry.”

Here’s #2. “I FORGIVE YOU.”

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

When you say, “I forgive you,” at the right time, it’s positively golden.

There is nothing more toxic to relationships than bitterness and unforgiveness.

I mean that.

We will all sin against one another in all of our relationships.

Marriage, for example, is the union of two sinners.

Two sinners are now joined to one another for life. The result of that will be sin!

But what happens after that sin is acknowledged and confessed after one person in the relationship says, “I’m sorry?”

If there is no “I forgive you,” then the fat lady may as well sing because it’s over.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

How did the Lord forgive you?

How many of us said, “I’m sorry” this week?

How many of us said, “I forgive you.” ?

We teach our kids to do that, but we all need it.

“I forgive you.”

Here’s #3. “THANK YOU.”

Those two little words are so powerful yet so unused by most people, including Christians.

When someone does something for you, no matter how small, it’s appropriate to say, “Thank you.”

When we don’t, it’s often a function of our pride again.

We feel like we deserve it, whatever it is.

Do you thank you server when you go out to eat?

Do you thank somebody who opens a door for you?

Do you thank somebody who passes the salt?

This is a good weekend to thank somebody who has served in our military.

They have defended us and defended our freedoms, and we should render our thanks.

Thank you, Veterans, for your service for our nation.

Kids, thank your parents.

Parents, thank your kids when they do something for you.

And we all should be thanking God.

Because all good gifts come from Him.

The Bible says that a lack of thanksgiving is at the root of all kinds of sin. Romans 1 says that “For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened.”

We refused to say, “Thank you.” to God and so much disaster has been the consequences.

Who do you need to thank today?

Say, “Thank you.” At the right time it’s an apple of gold in a setting of silver.

Can you guess the last one for today?

#4. “I LOVE YOU.”

Those are powerful words spoken at the right time to the right person in the right way.

Apples of gold in settings of silver.

“I love you.”

Don’t say it at the wrong time.

Don’t say it romantically until it’s the right person and you are in a position to do the right thing about it.  The Song of Songs says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

Don’t say it at the wrong time or to the wrong person.

But at the right time to the right person, it’s a word aptly spoken.

Husbands, tell your wives, “I love you.”  Don’t pull that stunt we talked about two weeks ago of saying of saying, “I told you I loved you when I married you and if that changes I’ll let you know.”

No. Tell her today. Tell her often. Tell her well.

Don’t just say it show it. But say it, too.

Wives, tell your husbands, “I love you.”

Parents tell your kids. “I love you.”

Don’t just say, “Love ya!”

Say it out all the way. “I love you.”

You can’t say it too much.  Those words don’t wear out.

Kids, say it to your parents.

Friends, say it (in appropriate times and ways) to your other friends.

I was talking to a pastor friend two weeks ago, and I ended our conversation with, “I love you, goodbye.”

That’s not weird.  Or least it shouldn’t be.

Siblings say it to siblings.

“I love you.”

We could add to this, “I trust you. I respect you. I appreciate you.”

Those are all forms of saying this sort of thing.

The point is to open our mouths and speak good words.

The world has enough bad words.

Christians should have mouths filled with good words.

The right word spoken at the right time in the right way in the right moment is astonishingly powerful, beautiful, valuable, and precious.

Proverbs 25:11, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

Let’s have the tongue of the wise.

Let’s have tongues of silver and gold.


***

Messages in this Series:

1. The Fearsome Tongue
2. Sweet Words
3. Grumbling (Part One)
4. Grumbling (Part Two)
5. Praising Mom
6. Bad Words
7. Good Words

Read More

[Matt's Messages] "Bad Words"

“Bad Words”
The Tongue of the Wise - Spring 2013
May 19, 2013 :: Ephesians 5:4

I told Heather yesterday, “This will be a quick message. I’ll just say, ‘Bad Words. Don’t say them. Let’s close in prayer!”

And it will, probably be a quicker one, but I think God has a few more things for us to share today than just “Don’t say bad words!”

What do I mean by “Bad Words?”

I almost entitled this message, “Pardon My French.”

Because I think about it as sermon on all of those things people say that we know that we shouldn’t say: cursing, cussing, swearing, foul-mouthed dirty-jokes, using the Lord’s name in vain, expletives, double entendres, profanity, crudeness and so on.

Bad Words. That’s what I mean.

And it’s hard to preach on bad words this these days for a number of reasons.

First off, it’s everywhere and everyone does it.

Well, maybe not everyone, but it sometimes it seems like it, doesn’t it?

What used to be a word that no one would ever say in front of a lady, is now shouted by some woman (I won’t call her a lady) in public on a stage into a microphone on a camera broadcast to the world. And nobody blinks.

The Internet and social media have just made it worse.

It’s socially acceptable now to use bad words. And many people don’t even realize how degraded their speech has become.

And that probably includes some of you. And I apologize in advance if I step on your toes today. I don’t enjoy it, but I do it in love.

You might say, “Don’t we have bigger fish to fry than this? I mean, really, how relatively important is cussing compared to some other sins out there, including other sins of the tongue?”

And I’d say that you’re partially right. There are bigger fish to fry in the sea, but this smaller fish is still a fish that needs fried. In 15 years here, this is the first sermon I’ve preached on bad words. I wouldn’t make preaching against bad words the center of my ministry, but we’re going to see today that God has something important to say about it, and we all need to listen carefully.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-- such a man is an idolater-- has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. (Ephesians 5:1-5, NIV 1984)

I was about 12 or 13 when I said my first swear word.

Now, that probably sounds really old to most of you. Many of you probably learned and used them long before me.

I was, as I’ve said before, a goody-two-shoes. I grew up much more like a Pharisee than a disciple like Peter or John and James, the sons of thunder.

And I was proud of not having said swear words until about Junior High.

[This is how I remember it, of course. There may be someone out there, my little brother for example, who might remember all of this differently and better.]

But I remember once walking home from Junior High School and deciding that I was going to say a swear word.

Out loud.

Just to see what would happen.

I had a word in my head that I had heard the other boys use, and I knew that it was a bad one.

And I was by myself, and there was no one around, and ... I said it.

And nothing happened.

The sky didn’t fall. The traffic didn’t crash. The birds didn’t stop singing. The sun didn’t go dark.

As far as I could tell, nothing happened!

But something did happen.

I had given in to something I knew I shouldn’t give in to.  I had compromised where I knew I shouldn’t have compromised. I had done something in secret that I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to know about, so I would now have to hide it.  (In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever told this to anyone until now.)

And I had set myself up to do it again. And next time, maybe something a little worse.

Remember what we’ve learned. Small words are still powerful.

And you know what? There was someone else listening.

Two people heard me use that bad word.

Myself. And my God.

Was it a small thing? Yes. And I can laugh about it today. And it’s forgiven!

But it was not a good thing.

In Ephesians 5, the apostle Paul is talking about the changes that are necessary for Christians now that they have come to know Christ.

He started back in chapter 4, verse 17.

“So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking.”

We have been changed by Jesus!

And we need to live out that change. V.22

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

And then Paul lays out what this looks like in quick succession:

v.25 Put off falsehood and put on truth.
V. 27 Put off stealing and put on work and generosity.
V.29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it might benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [on Pentecost Sunday!] with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”
V.31 Put off bitterness, rage and anger, etc, etc, and put on forgiveness and compassion.

And then our verses:

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

[And our key verse...] Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”

#1. NO OBSCENITIES.

The King James has “filthiness” in v.4.  No filthiness.

No dirty mouths.  No dirty words.

No words that stand for something shameful or disgraceful to mention.

Let me list a few obscenities for you here in the pulpit.

[silence]

Don’t worry. I’m not going to do that.  God’s Word here says not to say them.

I’m glad that some of you gasped. We don’t need sermons that have to be beeped out by the censors.

Many obscenities are tied to impure sexuality.

Verse 3 said, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.”

A lot of bad words come from talking about impurity in sexuality. Body parts, sexual acts, bad names for people who engage in illicit sex.

And Paul says that there shouldn’t be even a hint of that in our speech.

No obscenities.

But, what if you’re really angry?  I mean sometimes a regular word just doesn’t cut it to express how you feel. You need a really strong word!

Well, the truth is that you don’t have to express how you feel.

But you do have to obey your Lord and Master.

No obscenities.

No, “Pardon my French.” There is no excuse for “French.”

I think this includes using the Lord’s name as a swear word.

Now, using the Lord’s name in vain means a lot more than just using it as a swear word. Maybe we’ll have a whole sermon on how we can use the Lord’s name wrongly in this series.

But it’s not less than that!

When we misuse the Lord’s name, we are taking something utterly holy and turning it into a bad word!  That’s serious.

I know everyone does it.  “O my Lord!”

Or in they put OMG on their status, right?

No. That’s not the kind of talk that God wants from us.

No obscenities.

How do you know whether it’s an obscenity or not? Especially if you’re a kid.

I think this is where parents have an important role to play in their children’s lives.

We should be teaching our kids bad words. You heard it here first!

Not to use them but to not use them.

One of the dads in our church family here was telling me last week that he has invited his son to ask him about any word that he hears at school, and this dad will tell his son what that word means even if it makes him blush.

Not at the dinner table! But one-on-one that dad will teach his son what every obscenity he hears means.

I think that’s a great idea. And I am going to promise my boys the same thing.

We parents need to not be afraid of hearing those bad words so that we can train our kids to not use them.

Now, what about “substitute swear words?”

Everybody I’ve talked to this week about this sermon has asked me what do I think about words that aren’t the really bad words but we substitute in for them?

You know which words I mean.

The truth is that it’s not as bad to say those words as it is to say the words they are based upon.

But it’s not good either!

Let me give you some tamer examples: “Darn,” “heck,” and the phrase, “What the...?”

Not good.

I’m not going to give other examples today. I can’t do so in this pulpit in faith. If you need help with this, I’d be glad to talk with you further in private.

But the point is, “No Obscenities.”  And don’t try to get around it by saying something that is just you saying it without saying it. God knows.

#2. NO FOOLISH TALK.

V.4 again.

“Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”

Bible Teacher Joe Stowell says that foolish talk is “language offensive to Christian decency. This would certainly include words that are vulgar and indecent in their connotations. Speech from a foolish heart is godless. Since God is pleased with modesty (1 Timothy 2:9), talk that condones immodesty is foolish. Since God is concerned about loyalty in marriage, conversations that make light of marital fidelity are foolish as well” (The Weight of Your Words, pg. 73).

The picture I get of “foolish talk” is empty words that are spouted out in unthinking foolishness.

Proverbs 15:28 says, “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.”

I would put name-calling in this category.

And hate words.

We should never use ethnic slurs like “Chink” for Chinese or “Towel Heads” for Muslims or hateful words like “faggot” for homosexuals or “nigger” for black people.

That’s foolish talk.

And we should be especially careful with the words we use for those in authority over us.

Like the President of the United States.

The Apostle Peter said, “Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.”

Of course, our president is not a king, but he does have an office that we should respect.

And it’s foolish talking to call him bad names.

#3. NO COARSE JOKING.

King James has “jesting.” The NASB has “coarse jesting.” One scholar translated it “degrading jesting.”

This is stories and jokes with suggestive overtones and double entendres.

And here’s the problem with them:

They can be ... really funny.

Some of the funniest jokes you’ll ever hear are a little ... coarse.

People wouldn’t tell them if they weren’t funny to someone.

But just because it’s funny, doesn’t mean it’s good.

That was something I learned back in High School. I’m not sure how I learned it, but it was a brainwave for me. A lightbulb went on.

I used to think that all kinds of things were excused because they were funny.

I was still a goody-two-shoes (for the most part) in High School.  And I was a leader in my youth group at church.

And I was juggling Christian speaker at banquets and youth events.

And I also have some favorite ribald jokes that I would tell in private.

I say this to my shame.

But at some point there in High School or shortly thereafter, I learned the lesson that just because it’s funny, doesn’t make it okay.

I’ve had to learn that more than once as I’ve strayed at times since.

No Coarse Joking!

Not to impress the boys in the locker room or the garage or the guard shack.

No Coarse Joking.

And that goes double for what you post online. Some of the things I see Christians sharing online make both of the hairs on my head stand on end.

When you share a poster or a story or a graphic or an image or a status that is coarse joking, you are disobeying Ephesians 5:4.

And why is that bad?

V.4, Paul says these things are “out of place.”

They don’t belong for Christians.

#4. BAD WORDS ARE "OUT OF PLACE."

The King James says they are “not convenient” but he doesn’t mean that they come at a bad time. Convenient used to mean “what was fitting.”

These bad words don’t fit.

What don’t they fit?

They don’t fit Christians and they don’t fit the Kingdom. V.5

“For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person–such a man is an idolater–has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”

That’s how high the stakes are. And it’s no laughing matter.

Bad words don’t fit. They are impure, and they are out of place for Christians.

Like in verse 3 where it says, “these are improper for God’s holy people.”

They don’t belong.

Obscenities, foolish talk, or coarse joking in the mouth of a Christ-following believer is like putting Ghandi in charge of the U.S. Marines. They just don’t fit together!

Why?

Because of who we are.  Look back at verse 1 again.

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

Bad words are not loving words.

And they are not being like God. Imaging God.

Now, notice that it doesn’t say “become God’s holy children by stopping your bad words.” It doesn’t say to don’t do these things to earn your salvation. It says to do them because you ARE God’s holy people, God’s dearly loved children.

This is a call to live by grace. Not a call to do this on your own.

You are already pure because of Jesus, so purify your mouth.

Does that make sense?

If you don’t have a purified and purifying mouth, then you might not know Jesus, and you might not have a share in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

Because all saved people are being sanctified.

Don’t think that you can clean up your mouth to impress God so that He’ll let you into His family.

You only get into the family of God by faith in Christ and what He did on the Cross.

But if you are in that family, then you need to talk like it.

And that means no obscenities, no foolish talk, no coarse joking. Because they are “out of place.”

This is not about being nice. It’s about being holy!

Now, let me say this about when people are using bad words AROUND YOU.

What do you do when people around you are swearing, for example.

For the most part, you don’t do anything. You probably try to change the subject.

Most of the time, you just overlook it. Because we are not the word police. Especially around non-Christians. We must remember that we are not trying to win people to cleaned-up mouths. We’re trying to win them to Jesus!

I know Christians who feel like they are witnessing when they require the unbelievers around them to change their language when they are near.  They think they are witnessing when they chastise unbelievers for bad words.

But witnessing is about winning people to Christ, not to cleaned up mouths. After they come to Christ, then we can talk about their mouths.

But there are some situations when we might want to confront.

- When we are parents or authorities with kids.
- When there are ladies or kids present, to protect their ears.
- When the language is so over the top that you simply cannot overlook it.
- Or when you are alone with another Christian who is slipping and you have the kind of relationship where you can speak into their life.

In those kind of situations, we should speak up about bad words, but with unbelievers, we shouldn’t make a big deal of it.

We shouldn’t be crude, but we should be prudes either.

We can let the Holy Spirit do the convicting.

Because Bad Words are out of place.

Is there ever a time for bad words?

Maybe. There are a few places in scripture where someone like Paul himself uses high octane language.

But he always does it in holiness and in love, for some good and godly reason.

So, if you can say that strong thing in holiness and love for a good and godly reason, more power to you.

But most of the time, we use bad words to build, not Christ’s kingdom, but our own.

And those kingdoms are out of place.

What should you do if you have fallen in this area?

The same thing as any other sin.

Confess it.
Turn from it.
And change by faith in the promises of God.

I didn’t do it that day when I was 12 or 13, but a few years later, I did. I asked God to forgive me for blurting out that expletive.

And He has been changing my heart and my tongue ever since.

Is this a big deal?

Are bad words a big deal?

Jesus Christ died on the cross for bad words.

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

If He did that, then we can use our tongues for Him.

“Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”

#5. RATHER THANKSGIVING.

That’s what we should do instead.

Christians, those bought by the blood of Christ, have everything to be thankful for.

And thanksgiving will push away the allure of obscenity, foolish talk, and coarse joking.

Because bad words are out of place.

But for those of us who belong to Christ Jesus, it’s always appropriate to give thanks.


***

Messages in this Series:

1. The Fearsome Tongue
2. Sweet Words
3. Grumbling (Part One)
4. Grumbling (Part Two)
5. Praising Mom
6. Bad Words

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Cussing

In my research for this upcoming Sunday's message on bad words, I found an insightful article by Carolyn Arends on The Trouble with Cussing Christians:

All language is a kind of social contract. We agree—as heirs of centuries of etymological development—to call the pointy thing in our arm an elbow, just like we agree to label things we find despicable with words we identify as profane. The words themselves hold only the power we give them. But curse words tend to be powerful indeed, because to linguistically reduce something or someone to the level of biological functions (and their resultant products) is almost always an act of contempt. And contempt is toxic.

Read the whole thing.

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[Matt's Messages] "Praising Mom"

“Praising Mom”
The Tongue of the Wise - Spring 2013
May 12, 2013 :: Proverbs 31:28-31

This is the famous “Proverbs 31 Woman” which, perhaps surprisingly, I have never preached on over the last 15 years. This is my 15th Mother’s Day as your pastor, and I’ve never preached Proverbs 31 until today.

And we’re actually going to skip to the end of the chapter, verses 28-31 to get the main thing I want to emphasize this Sunday.

And that’s this: “Praising Mom.”

Today’s message is the next installment in our series on “The Tongue of the Wise.”

Which we get from our Hide the Word verse, Proverbs 12:18. Say it with me, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

The last two weeks, we talked about the reckless words of grumbling.  But now that we’ve solved that problem and none of us grumbled this week (but did we lie?), we move onto a new topic: “Praising Mom.”

The tongue of the wise praises an excellent mom.

Let’s see what Proverbs 31 has to say. Verse 28.

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

I get the title, “Praising Mom” from verse 28.  Talking about this heroic woman, “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’”

“Praising Mom”

The tongue of the wise praises an excellent mom.

What we do on Mothers’ Day is right and good and has biblical reasoning for it.

It is right and good to praise Moms for the great things they do and for the great people they are.

Kids, praise your Mom.  Rise up and call her blessed.  It’s the right thing to do.

Dads/husbands, praise your kids’ mom. Rise up and praise her for her praiseworthy characteristics. It’s a good thing and a right thing to do.

Praise Mom.

Why? Four reasons today.

#1. BECAUSE GOD SAYS TO.

Now, this might be surprising to you.

I have often thought that we were only supposed to praise God.

Don’t praise Mom, praise God.

But that’s not true.

It is good and right to praise Mom, as well

Not to the same degree. Not on the same level.

It is idolatrous to raise Mom to the level of God.

Don’t worship your Mom!

But do praise her for her praiseworthy characteristics.

Verse 31, “Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

God says to.

Now, guys, this is especially important if you have the attitude I’ve heard that says, “I told you I loved you when I married you and if anything changes I’ll let you know.”

That’s disobedience to God.

God wants husbands to praise their wives.
God wants daddy’s to praise their kids’ moms.
God wants kiddos to praise their mommas.

“Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

And not just on Mothers’ Day!

Reason #2 for Praising Moms.

#2. BECAUSE WOMEN NEED THE TRUTH.

Women need to hear this. Women need encouraged.

Ladies need to hear the truth. V.30

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Now, men need to hear that because they can get fooled by charm and outward beauty.

Is she fun and is she sexy?
Is she into me and is she hott?

That’s charm and beauty and they are deceptive.  Guys, watch out.

But ladies can be deceived by those same things, can’t they?

The world sends women the wrong messages about what is important in life.

The world sends women false messages about what is important for them to be to become.

You must be charming and you must beautiful.

If not, you’re a failure.

You must be fun and you must be sexy.

If you’re not, then you’re trash.

Moms get that message every day from every direction.

And guys, it’s our job to remind them of what’s true.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Nothing wrong with charm in and of itself.

Nothing wrong with beauty. A godly husband will find his wife beautiful and tell her so, too.  The Song of Songs teaches us about that.

But those things are not the important things.

What’s important is if she fears the YHWH.  If she loves the Lord Jesus.

And if she does, she should be praised.

Women need to hear the truth.

Guys, our wives need to hear that they are number one in our hearts. V.29

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

That’s what a godly Dad says to a godly Mom in the presence of his children.

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

You are the best! You are the greatest!

You are our favorite woman.

And the kids agree. “Her children arise and call her blessed.”

Now, do you see why I picked this passage for today?

A lot of women read Proverbs 31 and they get discouraged because they don’t and can’t live up to every verse in it.

But Proverbs 31 should get us guys and us kids busy. Not just ladies. But us, too.

And it should get our mouths in gear.

Praise that godly mom. Because she needs to hear the truth.

Now, the principle is true beyond moms, isn’t it?

We all need to hear the truth.

We all need encouragement.

Don’t just praise moms for the praiseworthy things they do.

But specifically here we are told to praise godly moms.

Reason #3.

#3. BECAUSE SHE’S EARNED IT. V.31 again.

“Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

This doesn’t mean that she’s perfect.

It means that she’s done commendable things so she should be commended.

It means that her heart is praiseworthy so it should be praised.

Guys, what might you praise in the woman in your life?

Kids, what is it about Mom that you should rise up and call her blessed?

Well, let’s go back up to verse 10 and see exactly what the Bible says.

It’s important to know that this is carefully constructed Hebrew poem. It’s actually an acrostic meaning that every line begins with the next letter of the Hebrew alphabet.

In other words, it’s the ABCs of recognizing an excellent woman.

Some scholars believe that Hebrew boys were taught their ABCs by memorizing this poem and at the same time were learning the A to Z’s of how to find a wife, what to look for in a wife.

V.10

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

What could you say to that Mom.

You could say, “Mom, you are rare.”  “You are a gem.”
“Mom, you are valuable.”
“Mom, you are trustworthy.”
“Mom, you are reliable. You are constant.”
“You are good for me.”

Ladies, would you like to hear that from the men and the kids in your life?

“Honey, you are precious to me.”

You are a “wife of noble character” or that could be translated, “a woman of valor” or “an excellent wife or strong wife.”

Or a “hero wife.”  “You are my hero.”

Now, in verses 13-27, there is a long list of this wife’s activities.

She is quite a superwoman, an embodiment of the virtues of Lady Wisdom from earlier in the book of Proverbs.

I don’t think that she actually exists. She is an ideal, an exemplar, an inspiration.

V.15 says that she gets up while it’s still dark and verse 18 says her lamp doesn’t go out at night.

Apparently, she never sleeps!  I think the point is that all of these descriptions of her activities add up to her character and point to the kinds of person a godly woman should aspire to be.

This isn’t here to shame women or wear them out but to inspire them.

And to show us guys both what to look for in a wife and what to praise when we see it.  V.13

“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.”

What could we say, guys?

“Mom, you are so hard-working.”
“You are so diligent.”
“You care so much for our needs.”

V.16

“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.  She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.  She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.”

“Mom, you are so shrewd in how you handle finances.”
“Mom, you are so energetic. So resourceful. So industrious.”

But as hard as you work and as shrewd as you are at managing, you’re also generous!  V.20

“She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.”

“Mom, you are skillful.”
“Mom, you are so active for us.”
“Thank you!”

I was struck this week with how good my life is because of how hard Heather Joy works for us.

And at the risk of embarrassing her again, I’m going to point some of it out.

You teach our homeschool every day. 4 kids, 4 different classes!
You make good things for us to eat from scratch with great ingredients.
You hang out the laundry (lots and lots and lots of laundry).
You sew our things and knit our things.
You buy all of our clothes and supplies.
You clean everything over and over again.
You are constantly directing or managing something.

And that's just the start of the list. I won't go into particulars.

We are spoiled. You are precious.

Because you work so hard, we experience such a good life.

That’s why (v.23):

“Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”

“Mom, you are so confident. So hopeful. So strong and dignified.”

V.26

“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”

“Mom, you are so wise. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with our family.”

That’s the kind of thing that we should be saying.

Dads to Moms and kids to Moms.

Now, you can see why this passage might overwhelm a lady.

She’s supposed to be rare, valuable, trustworthy, precious, hard-working, industrious, reliable, constant, diligent, dependable, shrewd, energetic, resourceful, generous, skillful, active, hope-filled, confident, strong, dignified, and wise.

Makes me tired just to list it.

But, the point I’m trying to make is that we guys (and us kids) should be noticing those qualities when they appear in the women in our lives and we should be shouting them into the megaphone at the city gates.

Every time she is like that, guys, we should be pointing it out.

She’s earned it.

“Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.”

She’ll begin to feel like a million bucks when we begin to tell her that she’s worth a million bucks. Or a billion bucks.

Now, this is important. Don’t lie about these things.

Don’t flatter her. Don’t tell her that these things are true when you know they are not.

But when they are, don’t miss the opportunity to praise her.

She will not feel like she has lived up to the God’s standard of womanhood.

But whenever she reflects that ideal, she should be hearing about it from us guys and us kids.

“Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.’”

You’re not perfect. But you’re the best!

Praising Mom.

One more reason.

#4. BECAUSE PRAISING HER BRINGS PRAISE TO HER GOD.

V.30

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

What makes her so excellent?

She fears the Lord.

God is honored by pointing to the woman’s excellence in fearing him, the One who defines and exemplifies excellence.”  (Sam Crabtree, Practicing Affirmation, pg. 13).

Where does she get all of what makes her great?

From God.

We don’t praise her to the exclusion of God.

We praise her because of what God has done in her.

Praising Mom brings praise to her God.

At least, it does when we do it right.

So, how are you going to do it?

Not just today on Mothers’ Day, though this is a good time to get going.

But every day.

Husbands/Dads, especially, how are you going to build praising your wife, your kids’ mom, into your daily life.

Does she know how you feel?

She needs to.  Women need to hear the truth.

Because Satan and the world will lie to them every day.

You need to be feeding them the truth. God says so.

Not because she’s perfect, but as she does her best, she is reflecting the perfection of the Lord. She’s earned it. Praise her. Rise up and praise her.

Don’t lie. But tell her.

And as you do so, you will bring praise to her God.

Who is deserving of all of our praise forever and ever and ever!


***

Messages in this Series:

1. The Fearsome Tongue
2. Sweet Words
3. Grumbling (Part One)
4. Grumbling (Part Two)

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